I’ll still call you that because calling your name that you never got to use is still just too traumatizing to me. Your name Azariah is a Hebrew Name that means ‘God helps’…I don’t know what to feel about that because I feel such a deep anger that it didn’t make you stay. I know I shouldn’t blame but where else am I supposed to dump this heaviness I feel is swallowing me whole? I looked forward to calling your name, now it echoes in the deepest wounded places of my broken heart. I wish I could call you back so you never leave my arms but I never even had that. Never had the chance to wiggle my nose on your tiny one as we bonded. How am I supposed to exist now without you?
Motherhood was supposed to be my story. My story to tell. Now I have no story. What are you supposed to do when all you feel is a deep emptiness, a sadness that transcends the pain threshold of humanity? How are you to face tomorrow when you know no one will call you mom? That name will not be part of your identity.
How are you to hear a baby’s cry and not go insane and want to pluck out every single hair in your scalp until you are raw with unmentionable pain? Where are you to quench the thirst of motherhood? When you look at your empty womb and think was it a reality or did you just dream it up? I always thought I’d die if you left me. But I didn’t die, instead I lived only to slowly die each day without you.
When does it ever stop hurting? This sense of loss cannot be normal or even legal. I so wanted to be called ‘mom’ by you Babyeyes. All I could think of was hearing your first cry, hold you so close and let you cuddle on my chest as you breast feed. Now all I think is did you suffer? Were you stressed? Did it pain before you gave up the ghost? How long did you stay without breath? Was it a struggle?
Forgive me Babyeyes for not being able to protect you. Forgive my body for not being strong enough for you. Forgive my emotions for sometimes being volatile. Forgive my heart for not praying for you every day. Forgive my mind for having any negative thoughts. Forgive your daddy for never feeling you grow. Forgive me for leaving you alone. Forgive me Babyeyes…forgive my frail humanity…Forgive my pain right now…
I was supposed to be a mother…your mother Baby eyes…now I don’t have that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m losing my sense of identity. Loosing you baby is causing my world to dissolve into nothingness. I feel lost in this senseless world. Seven months, five days, was all you had inside my belly, we still had one and a half months before you met the world. I’m sorry my body couldn’t keep you longer; you and I almost made it to nine months…almost…
You were too tiny to see the world yet, too frail to see the light, too small to know harsh elements of the outside world. All I wanted to do was protect you from everything, everyone, everywhat, just from the world. I wanted to be your mom, mama, mother, mami, in every sense of the word. All I wanted was to be a mother. What am I now without you Babyeyes? I could not save your life; can I save my own that’s literally drowning in harsh tears?
Motherhood was supposed to be my story. Now I have no story to tell. How can I write our story when you are no longer in it…