MY PEN SPEAKS MORE THAN MY LIPS

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I fall silent fall silent
When I should be raging mad
I roll eyes
When I should be yelling loud
I close eyes
When I should be speaking hard
I purse lips
When I should be letting sound
Why should I not speak
When its curses I want to utter
When insults burn my lips
When disrespect yearns to show
My lips become mute
Yet my pen ravages on
Abusing the plain white paper
Tearing into the very soul of it
My pen has no lips to speak
It has no hands to wave off
It has no eyes to roll in disgust
It has no feet to stomp on the ground
Nor does it have palms that can slap
Yet it speaks more than my lips
Constantly drying ink away
Writing all the unmentionable syllables
Scribling away all uncontrollable urges
Witnessing to every maddening thought
Putting vile emotions on concrete
Deleting yet rewriting that outburst
My lips want to do much
To speak
To yell
To swear
To scream
To violate
Yet my pen says to shut flood gates
It will release all that for me
Put it down on paper
Hide away every unrepentant sin
Beneath the blue ink
On that canvas of thoughts
So many things my lips could have spoken
But my pen would not let me
So I shall write it down
Press down thoughts that kill
Muffle noises that betray
Hide hurts that burn
Just so my pen takes all the heat
So no one knows what my heart ponders
When done
My pen shall speak more than my lips
Because it has no soul
It cannot feel remorse
It will not change its mind about writing
My lips shall be sealed then
When my pen starts writing
Because it knows me deeper
Understands when I wish to speak not
Only my pen

FIGHT OF THE UNBORN

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All I can think of
Is did you suffer
Were you stressed
Did it pain
Before you gave up the ghost
How long did you stay without breath
Was it a struggle
Forgive me babyeyes
For not being able to protect you
Forgive my body
For not being strong for you
Forgive my emotions
For sometimes being volatile
Forgive my heart
For not praying for you everyday
Forgive my mind
For having any negative thoughts
Forgive your daddy
For never feeling you grow
Forgive me for leaving you alone
At the morgue
Before coming for you
To bury you
Forgive me babyeyes
Forgive my frail humanity
You were too tiny to see the world yet
Forgive my body still
For not keeping you inside longer
We almost made it
To nine months
Almost…
Forgive my pain right now

GOD FILTER MY THOUGHTS 2

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Oh Lord filter my thoughts
I feel as though
I want to let in this cloud
Of unwanted anger
Towards you
And man
I feel I am loosing control
Of who I am
Feeling like a darkened version of myself
A version I am starting
Not to recognise
Fear even
I have let in grief
That is eating
At the core
Of my existence
Filter my thoughts

RECOGNIZE YOUR ABSENCE IS ACID

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Recognize your absence like clouds on a rainy day

I have fought with reality

Danced with insanity

Because you are no longer there

I feel this sense of loneliness

Wake me up whem the sun has gone

It is too bright for my sad eyes

Recognize your presence like stars in a full moon’s night

I will fight with insomnia

Just so I can sleep

To dream of you in my shitty nightmares

Drawn into that space of being alone

Your absence is acid to my heart

GRIEVE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT

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When she leaves
When he is gone
When they are no more
Grieve as much as you want
Let no one tell you to stop
Let him not say it is enough
Let her not say dry your eyes
They should not tell you to be strong
Crumble down if you want
Curl into a ball if you feel that
Disappear into your mind if you have to
It is your right to hurt
Sit on the dirt
And throw a tantrum
Roll around in the mud
Like a child
Sleep on concrete when it rains
Lie on your left over pizza
Sit on the bathroom floor and weep
Sleep on unwashed laundry if you have to
It is your right to hurt
Let those tears fall without shame
Heave and cough out those heavy emotions
Let mucous fall from your nose
Without a care
Cry at the grocery store
Curse at the air or trees or sand or the wall or a cat or humans or food
Scream in the middle of the night
It is your pain
It is your loss
It is your defeat
It is your darkness
It is your undoing
It is your own grief
And your right to hurt
So grieve as much as you want
Until you can blink without tears
Until you can say their name without skipping a breath
Until their picture does not haunt you
Until smiling no longer hurts
It is your right to hurt
Let no one take it away from you
Until you can give your hurt away
So baby, go ahead
Grieve as much as you want

DEEP WOUNDED PLACES OF MY BROKEN HEART

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I never got to give you your name
I never got to call your name
I never got to hear your name called
Your name is what I am left with
A name that had such great meaning
The name of a warrior
The name of a Prince
The name of my boy
Your name meant so much to me
A name I knew
You would be proud of
A name I knew
You would love
My little batman
That was your play name
Because you were my hero
You saved me
You built me
You loved me
You made me glow
You held me together
You danced for me, in my belly
Made me stronger than I knew I was
Now your name sits
In the deep wounded places of my heart
Places I dare not venture
Or peek into
Lest I never come back from
My heart
Has such deep wounded places
Perforated with memories I never had
Drowned in moments I wish I had
With you
Trying to squint at the sun in the morning
When all I can see are darkened clouds
On a hurricane prone night
Your name lingers on
Hanging between my sanity and brevity
Telling me I need to heal
Help me heal these deep wounded places in my broken heart
Baby your name is all I have left