THERE IS NO AT LEAST FOR MY LOSS

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So I cried last night. I just had this deep ache down my chest that needed to be cracked. I was hurting, badly, and in desparate need of loosing myself in someone’s arms. Someone who understood where my heart was aching from. It hurt so bad I could feel myself drowning in the tears. Something happened that just broke the floodgate of tears that I have been trying to lock in. Maybe I should just be crying whenever I feel like instead of postponing the water works.

People keep telling me grieve as much as you want, don’t question why, don’t think too much, let it go, its time to come out of it, God had a reason, one day you’ll understand, it will make sense later, don’t let it get you down…bla blah blah…the most hurting and incredulous words have to be the ones that have these two words

“…at least…”
…at least you are okay…
…at least you didn’t have any complications…
..at least you can have another one…
“…at least..”

If I hear one more ‘at least’ I think I will loose my SHIT! My baby just died…there is no AT LEAST! I get so mad, even though I know they mean well. Most times I just want to yell my lungs out but I just sit there internally grinding my teeth as people go on with their ‘at least’ words of comfort. I understand that words sometimes fail and as much as you try you cannot find words that heal or even make someone to feel better. The thing about grief is that you cannot really explain it, only those who have experienced it have an inkling to what you are talking about or even feeling

For me words stopped making sense, its as if people are talking to me and I’m having this out of body experience where they are speaking so far away in a hollow pit that does not even have echoes. So I let them speak and sometimes nod my head just to move on with the conversation. My brain has absolutely refused to let me accept that really my baby’s gone. Most days I am just going through the motions like a Zombie on auto pilot trying not to drown.

Words of comfort have stopped making sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I could just tell that person, Stop, stop trying to make me feel better, you can’t, nobody can. My world ended and there is no one who can bring Nathan back…let me be, let me stay in this darkness that has become part of my existence, let me drown in the shallow waters of my aching mind, allow me to just sit and stare, blankly into space, let me wish to disappear in peace. You can’t bring me out of it, you can’t stop me from feeling nothing, wanting not to exist anymore. You can’t. So don’t. Just let me be. Alone. Let me close my eyes and sing the lullaby that I should have sung to my baby to sleep. Let me close my lips and let my heart imagine my baby in my arms, happy and needing me. Let me torture my soul with all the plans I have for my boy. Let me abandon reality because I am empty handed after my heartbeat left me. Let me just close my eyes, just for a few seconds and think of him…in Heaven now.

So back to my crying last night…

I’ve never felt so abandoned like I did last night. Crying into my pillow in darkness, feeling my heart descending from my chest to my knees. Feeling every heave of my pained chest trying not to be drowned by my coughs. All I could think of was…

…why didn’t you take me with you baby…
…why did you leave me alone…
…why didn’t I just leave with you…
…i can’t take this anymore…
…i can’t suffer alone without you…
…what now…
…you and mom are no longer here with me, how am I supposed to survive alone…

I wanted to just curl into a ball and dissolve into all those tears that kept tearing and wounding my soul and existence. When will this deep sense of loneliness go away. Loss. Deep. Deep. Loss. Emptyness. Dark. Dark. Emptyness. Confusion. Dense. Dense. Confusion. I can’t see how today is better than yesterday, or if tomorrow will be any better than today. I just don’t see it.

I think I eventually fell asleep on my tear stained pillow and had a restless sleep filled with dreams, maybe nightmares about dogs, deep holes filled with water, babies, my former class… disturbing. Suffice to say I woke up with swollen eyes and It’s 11:37am, I haven’t said a word to anyone. I don’t plan to. I don’t want to. I can’t take any more  Crafted words like “at least”. I don’t want to hear or listen. My heart hurts a lot… I just can’t…

THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT HER MIND

Quote about life

I’m hanging on suicidal thoughts Obsessed about ending it all
My life
I feel like a failure worth nothing at all
I feel life has abandoned me
Left me to fend for myself without help from the universe
Maybe their life would be much better without me in it
I seem to be bringing everyone else down
Am sure she’s fed up with me
Feeling like I can’t think for myself Has she ever even asked me how I feel
What I want
She just assumes that I dont know where my life is going
Maybe I don’t but she should give me that chance to explain myself
She is always impatient with me Looking at me like why the hell are you still here
Why do I have to keep helping you and you show me no gratitude
She hates me
I know that
I’ve seen it in her eyes lately, she just wants me to go away
And I don’t blame her
I want to go away too far from my own existence
Further from reality
I guess my destiny just wont show itself to me
I dont even know my purpose in life anymore
Why am I here
I keep asking myself that everytime
Yet it feels like the words keep echoing back to me
Bouncing off walls then hitting me right smack in the face
Do I even have face anymore
Do I count as humanity
Save me from myself
From these drowning emotions that strangle my air
This should just end
I should just end Elegantly

ON THE WINGS OF MY BABY

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I watch you sleep
Only you have no life in you
Your tiny eyes shut tightly
Lifeless
The doctor holds you in her hands
It’s a boy
He’s 1.9kgs
I swear I thought I heard you cry
No?
She next to me has given birth to twins
I want to reach out and touch you
My body won’t obey me
I have no more labour pains
I have heart labour pains
I will tears to come out
They will not hear me
Trembling lips I ask why
Doctor says no one knows
It feels like I am watching someone elses life
Floating amidst bodies of humans
Time has stood very still
Yet running faster than I can comprehend
Pain of stitches now become real
My womb is empty
You are no longer there
My heart is still beating for two
My mind thinking for one
My body crying for…
I have no strength to move
Fear
So much fear has gripped my ailing heart
My soul wants to come out of me
My spirit is ready to give up the ghost
What is this pain I feel in my belly
A hole so deep I can feel it drown me
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my life
Where’s my existence
Where’s my sanity
I want to yell
Should i scream my lungs out
I want to sleep
Sleep forever to never wake up
I want to blame
I want to ask why
No one has answers
Questions
Do my questions bring solace
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my soul
Where’s my reason for being
Where’s my good thing
Bring back my angel
Bring back my wound healer
Bring back my laughter
Bring back my fighter
Bring him back to me
Bring my baby back
I want him in my arms
I want him on my bossom
Nursing
My breasts ache for my baby’s lips
Where will I put your milk
I’m so tired
Tired
Tired
Tired
Wrap me in your arms baby
Take me where you have gone
You cannot leave me here
Alone in deep pain
Without your tiny fingers to hold onto
I wrote you a letter
I wanted to read to you
Show you how proud I am of you
Would you like to hear it
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my love
Where’s my hope in life
Where are you Azariah Nathan
That was your name baby
Perfect for my perfect boy
You loved chapati
I know, because you kicked up a storm in my belly every time I cooked them
I watch
Sand
Earth
Stones
Sticks
Cover you for eternity
My heart sinks into a hole
Dark dark deep hole
I want to be carried on my baby’s wings
Where am I to put this immense love
What am I to do with your side of the bed
Who am I to sing your lullaby to
Where do I go from here
How do I breath without you
I’m jealous you’re happy without me
In your Father’s arms in Heaven
Teach me how to be alone baby
Blow kisses to soothe away my burning heart
I dont know how your new baby smell feels like
So my boy
Fill my troubled dreams with your intoxicating scent
Cover my restless nights with your sweet baby laughter
I have no more words left to say
I sing my pain in the songs we listened together
I am left with memories of your happy kicks inside my belly
A belly I am afraid to touch
Because you are no longer there
My boy
My little man
The ache in my heart won’t go away
Lend me your wings so I fly to you
Whenever I see a full moon
Or watch the sun rise in the morning
Or hear the wind blow
I need to sleep now baby
See you in the troubled waters of my sleep
Where your memory will soothe me and Recognize…me

I’M A WRITER I TEND TO FORGET THAT SOMETIMES

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The cry of my heart says to write more
The mourn of my soul says to write again
The sting of my spirit says to write madly
I rebel, my mind rebels sometimes
My fingers rebel to a wordless brain
Yet I know well enough
I am a writer
Who tends to forget that sometimes

The beauty of nature says to write pretty
The dance of trees says to write music
The blood of innocence says to write just
I argue, my mind argues sometimes
My fingers argue to a phraseless brain
Yet I know truthful enough
I am a writer
Who tends to forget that sometimes

Intensity of a kiss says to write romance
Gravity of orgasms says to write grace
Madness of caresses says to write love
I protest, my mind protests sometimes
My fingers protest to a proseless brain
Yet I know quickly enough
I am a writer
Who tends to forget that sometimes

Reality of defeat says to write victory
Discipline of death says to write finality
Grasps of hope says to write endlessly
I deny, my mind denies sometimes
My fingers in denial to a speechless brain
Yet I know truthfully enough
I am a writer
Who tends to forget that sometimes

WE CAN’T FEEL THE HEARTBEAT

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That moment
I couldn’t breath
Let mine stop too
I want out
I died a little
It should have been me