ON THE WINGS OF MY BABY

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I watch you sleep
Only you have no life in you
Your tiny eyes shut tightly
Lifeless
The doctor holds you in her hands
It’s a boy
He’s 1.9kgs
I swear I thought I heard you cry
No?
She next to me has given birth to twins
I want to reach out and touch you
My body won’t obey me
I have no more labour pains
I have heart labour pains
I will tears to come out
They will not hear me
Trembling lips I ask why
Doctor says no one knows
It feels like I am watching someone elses life
Floating amidst bodies of humans
Time has stood very still
Yet running faster than I can comprehend
Pain of stitches now become real
My womb is empty
You are no longer there
My heart is still beating for two
My mind thinking for one
My body crying for…
I have no strength to move
Fear
So much fear has gripped my ailing heart
My soul wants to come out of me
My spirit is ready to give up the ghost
What is this pain I feel in my belly
A hole so deep I can feel it drown me
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my life
Where’s my existence
Where’s my sanity
I want to yell
Should i scream my lungs out
I want to sleep
Sleep forever to never wake up
I want to blame
I want to ask why
No one has answers
Questions
Do my questions bring solace
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my soul
Where’s my reason for being
Where’s my good thing
Bring back my angel
Bring back my wound healer
Bring back my laughter
Bring back my fighter
Bring him back to me
Bring my baby back
I want him in my arms
I want him on my bossom
Nursing
My breasts ache for my baby’s lips
Where will I put your milk
I’m so tired
Tired
Tired
Tired
Wrap me in your arms baby
Take me where you have gone
You cannot leave me here
Alone in deep pain
Without your tiny fingers to hold onto
I wrote you a letter
I wanted to read to you
Show you how proud I am of you
Would you like to hear it
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my love
Where’s my hope in life
Where are you Azariah Nathan
That was your name baby
Perfect for my perfect boy
You loved chapati
I know, because you kicked up a storm in my belly every time I cooked them
I watch
Sand
Earth
Stones
Sticks
Cover you for eternity
My heart sinks into a hole
Dark dark deep hole
I want to be carried on my baby’s wings
Where am I to put this immense love
What am I to do with your side of the bed
Who am I to sing your lullaby to
Where do I go from here
How do I breath without you
I’m jealous you’re happy without me
In your Father’s arms in Heaven
Teach me how to be alone baby
Blow kisses to soothe away my burning heart
I dont know how your new baby smell feels like
So my boy
Fill my troubled dreams with your intoxicating scent
Cover my restless nights with your sweet baby laughter
I have no more words left to say
I sing my pain in the songs we listened together
I am left with memories of your happy kicks inside my belly
A belly I am afraid to touch
Because you are no longer there
My boy
My little man
The ache in my heart won’t go away
Lend me your wings so I fly to you
Whenever I see a full moon
Or watch the sun rise in the morning
Or hear the wind blow
I need to sleep now baby
See you in the troubled waters of my sleep
Where your memory will soothe me and Recognize…me

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3 thoughts on “ON THE WINGS OF MY BABY

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