THERE IS NO AT LEAST FOR MY LOSS

So I cried last night. I just had this deep ache down my chest that needed to be cracked. I was hurting, badly, and in desparate need of loosing myself in someone’s arms. Someone who understood where my heart was aching from. It hurt so bad I could feel myself drowning in the tears. Something happened that just broke the floodgate of tears that I have been trying to lock in. Maybe I should just be crying whenever I feel like instead of postponing the water works.

People keep telling me grieve as much as you want, don’t question why, don’t think too much, let it go, its time to come out of it, God had a reason, one day you’ll understand, it will make sense later, don’t let it get you down…bla blah blah…the most hurting and incredulous words have to be the ones that have these two words

“…at least…”
…at least you are okay…
…at least you didn’t have any complications…
..at least you can have another one…
“…at least..”

If I hear one more ‘at least’ I think I will loose my SHIT! My baby just died…there is no AT LEAST! I get so mad, even though I know they mean well. Most times I just want to yell my lungs out but I just sit there internally grinding my teeth as people go on with their ‘at least’ words of comfort. I understand that words sometimes fail and as much as you try you cannot find words that heal or even make someone to feel better. The thing about grief is that you cannot really explain it, only those who have experienced it have an inkling to what you are talking about or even feeling

For me words stopped making sense, its as if people are talking to me and I’m having this out of body experience where they are speaking so far away in a hollow pit that does not even have echoes. So I let them speak and sometimes nod my head just to move on with the conversation. My brain has absolutely refused to let me accept that really my baby’s gone. Most days I am just going through the motions like a Zombie on auto pilot trying not to drown.

Words of comfort have stopped making sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I could just tell that person, Stop, stop trying to make me feel better, you can’t, nobody can. My world ended and there is no one who can bring Nathan back…let me be, let me stay in this darkness that has become part of my existence, let me drown in the shallow waters of my aching mind, allow me to just sit and stare, blankly into space, let me wish to disappear in peace. You can’t bring me out of it, you can’t stop me from feeling nothing, wanting not to exist anymore. You can’t. So don’t. Just let me be. Alone. Let me close my eyes and sing the lullaby that I should have sung to my baby to sleep. Let me close my lips and let my heart imagine my baby in my arms, happy and needing me. Let me torture my soul with all the plans I have for my boy. Let me abandon reality because I am empty handed after my heartbeat left me. Let me just close my eyes, just for a few seconds and think of him…in Heaven now.

So back to my crying last night…

I’ve never felt so abandoned like I did last night. Crying into my pillow in darkness, feeling my heart descending from my chest to my knees. Feeling every heave of my pained chest trying not to be drowned by my coughs. All I could think of was…

…why didn’t you take me with you baby…
…why did you leave me alone…
…why didn’t I just leave with you…
…i can’t take this anymore…
…i can’t suffer alone without you…
…what now…
…you and mom are no longer here with me, how am I supposed to survive alone…

I wanted to just curl into a ball and dissolve into all those tears that kept tearing and wounding my soul and existence. When will this deep sense of loneliness go away. Loss. Deep. Deep. Loss. Emptyness. Dark. Dark. Emptyness. Confusion. Dense. Dense. Confusion. I can’t see how today is better than yesterday, or if tomorrow will be any better than today. I just don’t see it.

I think I eventually fell asleep on my tear stained pillow and had a restless sleep filled with dreams, maybe nightmares about dogs, deep holes filled with water, babies, my former class… disturbing. Suffice to say I woke up with swollen eyes and It’s 11:37am, I haven’t said a word to anyone. I don’t plan to. I don’t want to. I can’t take any more  Crafted words like “at least”. I don’t want to hear or listen. My heart hurts a lot… I just can’t…