WEEKEND COFFEE SHARE: NATHAN

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If we were having coffee
I’d tell you about Nathan
My boy
The one I never got to love
Him who was a part of my life
I knew his personality
He’d keep me awake
Until 3am in the morning
Kicking up a storm in my belly
I’d tell you how I woke up
Feeling complete, settled
Knowing he nestled inside my belly
Growing daily so fast
Being brave for me inside his home
I’d add another cup of coffee for you
More milk?
More sugar?
Then tell you
How much I loved my boy
The one I never got to nestle on my bosom
Nathan, a name I knew was perfect
For the baby listening to my voice
I’d tell you how excited I felt
When my baby kicked for the first time
How much more I smiled when he kicked back my hand
When I placed it on my tummy
Oh my boy it is unreal
If we were having coffee
I’d tell you how my world collapsed
When doctor said ‘no heartbeat’
How my heart stopped beating
If only for a second
When my baby was no more
I’d try not to break down
Listening to the hard silence between us
As memories drown me without mercy
Then when coffee ends
We’d walk out
Knowing I have unburdened my heartache
On my coffee date with you

TRANSLATE MY PAIN

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If I could translate my pain into color
It would be black
Because all I see is deep darkness
A darkness black in color
If I could translate my pain into food
It would be pizza
Because it is round with no end in sight
I see no end to my pain
If I could translate my pain into a season
It would be winter
Because it is cold exactly how my heart is
A frozen mass of cold ice
If I could translate my pain into song
It would be the blues
Because my soul is sad lonely broken and dull
Sounds of a lonely guitar
If I could translate my pain into a number
It would be five
Because that is when you came into this world, then left
Five reasons to have pain
If I could translate my pain into color
It would be orange
Because it is fiery and bold and overwhelming
What I feel most days
If I could translate my pain into weather
It would be hurricane
Because my emotions are hazardous unpredictable
Wild winds causing chaos
If I could translate my pain into word
It would be f@#*
Because cursing is all I want to do every single day
Simple words are too kind
If I could translate my pain into emotions
It would be fire
Because my heart is burning with loss and more pain
Fire that cannot be quenched
If I could translate my pain into a wish
It would be to have you in my arms
Because living without you baby
Is causing my soul to perish
Translate my pain
Maybe then I can understand it
And not be so lost in this pain