WEEKLY PHOTO CHALLENGE – THE ROAD TAKEN

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I took this photo while sitting on the stairs of a balcony. This Week’s challenge was a photograph showing The Road Taken. I have been having moments of despair, loss and feelings of abandonment lately. Grief comes and goes leaving me at a loss of how to define my emotions. For me I interpret The Road Taken as how much has changed on this road that life has dealt me with. Losing a child is unimagiable yet I have had to take on this road, hoping to be on the road where it hurts less if not at all. This amazing view reminds me that sometimes life may hurt, yet there is still so much to love in life. I cannot give in to a grieving heart, this too shall pass…

SENSELESS EMOTIONS DROWN ME

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It feels so hard just sitting here feeling like a failure. Why doesn’t my fortune change, why are there obstacles upon obstacles in my life? Baby, I realize now that you are in a better place. Away from all the hurts, pains, disappointments, and fears. I wish you would have taken me away with you. Now I wouldn’t be drowning in this loneliness, sorrow, heart break and pain. I feel jealous you are happy in Heaven, I on the other hand am not okay baby. I am drowning in my own sorrows that have refused to let me go. Clutching at my throat, especially my heart, so bad it hurts terrribly.

I wonder how you are up there. I know your Father is taking good care of you. I wish I had the chance to take care of you. Love you. Feed you. Clothe you. Sing for you. Play with you. Sleep next to you. I wish all that baby… and so much more…

I will not cry anymore. That is a lie my heart will not accept. Tears well in my eyes writing this. Then they drop. Because it is so unreal, yet so real at the same time. Where do I go from here… after I am healed, then what baby? Will I even heal? Maybe I don’t want to heal. So that your pain in my heart can remind me you really were present in my life. For a second. And then you were gone. Gone from me. Gone from my hands, and gone forever… I Hesitate for a moment, but then tears still fall… again…

TAKING STOCK 2

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Opening: my heart a little bit
Feeling: thoughtless
Knowing: i have come this far in grief
Wishing: i could scream all emotions out
Hoping: life will get better soon
Marveling: at how fast morning comes
Needing: a sign that tomorrow is better
Watching: nothing
Learning: i have to stop crying
Loving: is there room for love right now really
Admiring: the clear blue sky
Thinking: life will soon make sense again
Wanting: to get out of this limbo
Smelling: eggs
Dreading: going out to live life without him
Dreaming: of holding on
Cooking: rice, maybe
Making: nothing
Reading: still not held a book
Drinking: water
Listening: music is a bit raw
Writing: my emotions
Wondering: will time heal all wounds as they say
Following: ellaine’s blog
Eating: a mango
Wearing: grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: nothing yet
Wasting: tears on my pillow
Noticing: i have a strong heart even though it is broken
Giggling: laughter has escaped me
Bookmarking: haven’t really browsed lately

MY BABY’S TINY FINGERS

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Nathan my boy
My little man
My unborn
I wish to have held your tiny hand
As you held my finger
With your tiny little hands
All your five fingers
Tightly holding my single finger
How strong would you have been
How fast would you have grown
I have cried
Yet it never feels enough
I need your tiny baby fingers
To hold me steady
As I wobble through this life
Without you near
Take me to the place where you are
So I can reach out
And touch your tiny fingers
They were closed tight
When you were born
Not ready for this world
I didn’t get to feel them in my hands
Now I miss them in such a maddening way
It’s unreal you are not here with me
Drive away this loneliness
Eating at my soul
I dream of you little man
My baby’s tiny fingers
Would have been my anchor
My good thing I looked forward to
Everyday
For the rest of my life
Without you
There is no me
Quicken my healing
So I see life in color once again
Your fingers in my hand baby
All I ever wished for

TIRED

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Lord I want to give up
Help me stay strong because I just feel like breaking apart
I don’t want to but my heart is just tired
Am tired of fighting a battle I feel like I cannot win
It’s taking a toll on me causing me heartbreak and pains
What else am I supposed to do
Where else am I supposed to go
To ease this pain that is causing me to weep
I’m tired Lord tired of trying with no results
I have lost my confidence
It’s battered and down trodden
It feels completely empty
No one’s home
I can’t do this
I can’t keep on weeping