SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW MY NAME YET

baby-names

I feel her heart beat so loud
Pumping blood to my own that is tiny
I feel her every emotion
She loves me
She loves me intensely
She loves me unreservedly
She loves me
I feel her love for me in every inch of my existence
I know I shift her organs as I grow
Yet she smiles when I kick her belly
She says she loves me
Yet she doesn’t even know my name
Yet…

I see her bent over her knees
Knowing I am no longer there
I wish I could wipe away those tears
Heal that ailing heart
Make all the confusions go away
I wish I could tell her to stop
Feeling guilty
Blaming herself
Tell her I do not need to forgive her
It was not her fault
That I left the world before she called my name
I want to stretch out
And touch her
Wipe those tears from her cheecks
She didn’t even know my name yet
Still she loved me unconditionally
She wanted to protect me
I could hear her prayer whispered to God
She wanted a boy
It should have been a surprise
I kicked harder
So she could know I am her prayer answered
I was the boy she prayed for
The boy her heart yearned for
The little man she wished for
She loved me without reserve
Planned our life together
Dreamt of holding me in her arms
Yet she still did not know my name
Yet…

I knew my name
I knew she would name me
So I waited for her to find my perfect name
She did find it
I wish I could heal her
A part of her has died
The part that loved me
Even without knowing my name
She lived for my existence
Mama
I love the name you gave me
…Azariah Nathan
I knew you would call me that
I always knew

SHOULD I BLAME

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Should I blame my body
For not fighting for you
When you needed it most
Can I blame my mind
For not staying calm
When you were still growing
May I blame my heart
For not feeling you leave
When you took your last breath
Hard emotions Swarming over my head
I ask why did my body not fight
Or my mind stay calm
Or my heart felt sooner
Should I blame