grief poetry

Today I mustered the courage
Courage that I had been escaping from
Courage I had been hiding in my tears
Courage I have been completely denying myself
Courage I had chosen to ignore from my heart
To visit where you lay
Where I left you
When I burried you
It all seems unreal
That you once existed inside me
That you were once real
That you came out into the world
Yet snatched from it so unfairly
My baby’s grave lay where I left it
Lonely, rained on, scorched on
Yet there it was
The place I dreaded coming to
My tears were already drawing my face
Before I even reached my baby’s grave
It was so final
Yet still beginning
So I sat on the dirt
The red dirt on my back
I wanted to lay there
And never wake up
I needed to cry
And never stop the tears
I had to be undone
Infront of my Angel
My baby
Azariah Nathan
“In God’s hands you rest”
So the epitaph reads
I wish you were resting in my arms
Hours did pass
I never wanted to move
Away from my baby boy
I never wanted to leave him again
“Stay forever with me”
I wanted to say
I knew reality was my lie
Such loneliness that comes and fades
Knowing you are here
And I am there
How is my normal ever to be
Knowing I am leaving you again
Your grave begs me to stay
My mind knows I have to step away
Before I give in to this darkness
Darkness of living empty
Without you in my arms