TAKING STOCK 4

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Opening: a new month thinking of the coming days
Feeling: less than perfect
Knowing: May should bring with it a little comfort and less of anger
Wishing: i was holding you in my arms. Baby my arms are still not used to being without you
Hoping: that life will make more sense as I try to navigate through this pain of mine
Marveling: at how much time passes yet still remains the same
Needing: more hugs than ever before. This feeling of loneliness has gripped my chest so hard refusing to let go
Watching: how the month unfolds, I haven’t watched any series or movie for so long
Learning: days, minutes, seconds can never be recounted, once gone they stay gone for good
Loving: still a blank stare
Admiring: those who overcame their pain and learnt to live with it and not let it define them
Thinking: april ended too fast, I cannot believe we are already in another month
Wanting: to be left alone sometimes to deal with this riveting grief that has me in chains
Smelling: toasted bread
Dreading: nights when I dream about babies only to wake up realising I lost my own, so frightening yet distinct
Dreaming:
Cooking:
Making: a decision to not be brought down by feelings of loss and so much sorrow
Reading: i can’t seem to want to read anymore, maybe the feeling will come back soon
Drinking: milk tea
Listening: to mercy me- I can only imagine
Writing: in my diary why life seems so unfair that everybody else is living the life I want, the life of being a mother
Wondering: how come…
Following: http://www.kaluhiskitchen.com
Eating: not yet lunch time
Wearing: a blue stripped dera, the one I wore to my baby’s funeral, somehow that gives me some sense of comfort and closeness to my absent boy
Creating: i haven’t felt any creative lately
Regretting: that life would have been different if I had made different choices at certain points in my life
Wasting: time
Noticing: i have lost a lot of weight, someone commented that I was shrinking…true, as my heart shrinks because of pain, my body shrinks too
Giggling: no laughter yet
Bookmarking: http://www.bikozulu.co.ke his witty writting makes me smile most times

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