7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “7

  1. beautiful writing, yet your pain is unimaginable for me and I am so sorry. That is all I have for you… I am sorry… and I have love, compassion and deep empathy in my heart for and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Love from far away is all I can share. Prayers for a peaceful heart. Love, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I pray somehow I can help you and I am glad you can feel the love I have for you. It is kind of strange because I do not know you really, but feel like I do. Sometimes I feel too much and can feel so much empathy for others that I feel their pain and it hurts, but that is who I am and how God made me. My son says it is a spiritual gift or something to feel that kind of empathy… maybe it is. I do not know but I do know it all comes from God. So the love you feel is actually God’s love being sent from me to you…. God is so powerful and loving and healing… God is helping me to help you heal. Praise God….

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s