grief poetry Growth

Today marks one year since I lost my son through still birth. I can hardly believe that it has been more than 300 days without my boy. Growth for me means that I can find a good moment in a day that is filled with thoughts of what might have been. What would have been the milestones we would have had together. Growth is knowing that I can be okay someday, I never thought I would ever be. Still some nights are spent drenched in tears on my pillow but morning does come.

This photo I took when I went to the village at grandmas. It’s a picture of those really tiny shrubs that grow underneath the grass. It had rained the previous night and you can see spots of dirt stuck inside the flower petals and leaves. To me this photo is just beautiful, the dirt might have stuck to the budding flowers but that’s what makes it imperfectly perfect.

Like these budding blooming flowers I will emerge from this shadows in darkness that has been my grief journey. I will continue to heal and one day I will stand at my son’s grave and actually smile knowing I have become stronger. So cheers to Growth




Nobody said it would hurt
When your love was not returned
Nobody said it would break you
When he did not love you back
Nobody said it would feel raw
When he never said he loved you
Nobody said it would pain
When he remained silent
Nobody said it would cause chaos
When he did not share your feelings
Nobody said it would drown you
When you loved alone
Nobody said it would end in tears
When he did not hold your heart
Nobody said it would destroy you
When he did not embrace you
Nobody said it would make you hate
When he did not hold your heart
Nobody said it would make you cry
When he did not touch your soul
Nobody said
Nobody ever says
You are left to cry alone
You are left to weep silently
You are left to bare loss
You are left to feel hurt
You are left to writhe pain
You are left holding your heart
You are left tying your shoestring
You are left hugging yourself
When he leaves
Even though
He was never yours



I should not cry
My turn to love is not yet
My turn to live is not nigh
To live with love
Is what I seek
Go away you loneliness
Take your leave you sadness
Have a way out
You longing for arms that warm
I should not cry
My turn to hold is not yet
My turn to spend is not near
To live with warmth
Is what I search
Go away you lonesomeness
Have a way out
You yearning for fingers that curl
I should not cry
My turn to wish is not yet
My turn to cherish is not nigh
To live with cozynness
Is what I seek
Go away you lost feeling
Have a way out
You searching for hands that hold
I should not cry


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To your heart
To your chest
To your love
I am coming home
To be Cherished


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It’s hard to think
That I don’t have you
This Christmas
Our first christmas
You should have been
In my arms
I should have
Been singing for you gingle bells
I would have
The Christmas tree with you
I should have
Gingerbread cookies with you
Merry Christmas my boy

All I want for Christmas
Is you in my arms
To hold and never let go
To create memories with you
On our first Christmas
Wish you were here with me
Wanted so much for us
The whole world
Have been yours my boy
You would have been
A Joy to the world
Mostly joy to me
Merry Christmas my boy

To many more Christmases
That I will have
You will always be
The best gift I could have had
Merry Christmas my boy
Merry Christmas Nathan



He was born
Yet his time had not come
Such a young life
Taken so brutally
Only few months
Until he was to take his first breath
Until he was to make his first cry
How life is so frail
An abundance of innocence
Inside a soul that was too raw
His story
From cradle to grave
Was short-lived
He had not even began one chapter
Yet his last chapter was already spelt
Unwritten memories
Were all he left
Unsaid words
Were all he had not
Unheard laughter
Were all that echoed
Promises of eternal love
Promises of forever bliss
Amidst his cradle to grave story
His life
So short lived
Yet forever changed my own
A forever memory
Etched deep inside my consciousness
I will hold you
When nobody else could
His cradle to grave story
Mine to relive
Until our hearts be mended again



Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.