WISH YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME MOTHER

7c2966024d54bfa6c12a6267833159a4

Mother

Mom

Mama

Words so powerful

Heavy with emotion

Glue to every strength

A force that holds hearts

I should have been that

For you my child

I wanted to be everything and more

I wanted to be yours

Your mother

Wish you could have

Called me mother

Eight months

Was all you had

In mommy’s tummy

Every moment

I knew who you were

Every kick

I knew where you were

Every heart beat

I knew what you were

Wish you could have

Called me

Mother

Mom

Mama

 

Advertisements

DEAR NATHAN

IMG-20161114-WA0004-01-1

Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.

WHY

why

Why them
And not me
Why her
And not me
Why me
And not them
Why me
And not her

7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…

LETTER

shutterstock_174719144

Dear me,
It’s time to think… to hear my thoughts. To pause. To realize… I have been unhappy for so long that, I thought that is what a little bit of happiness looked like. I let loneliness define who I loved and gave myself to. I forgot how to laugh. I let go of my will to think that I deserved the world, that I deserved everything… loosing a child changes you. I am not the same person I was. I may seem the same. I may laugh. I may talk. I may eat. I may wake up in the morning. But inside. Inside my heart is on its knees grovelling with pain. I did not plan my pain. I did not choose it. So I argued with God. I almost hated Him. Why. Three letters I never knew I could use so much… It’s time for a purge. Purge the things and people that don’t want me in their lives anymore. I have been chasing you long enough. So I stop. And love me first. Heal. Feel something again. I have to learn who I am now that part of me left when I buried him… it’s time for a purge. Purge everything and everyone that does not make sense to me anymore…
signed,
Me

DREAMLESS MEDDLE

mulher_na_agua_3d_d4549c41fe08825be5bbf2c9bae5e637_mulher_na_agua_3d

Memories Meddled in my dreams
Thoughts of you haunt me
Your tiny fingers
Your little toes
Your miniature nose
All I never got to play with
I will never know the joy of embracing you
Or kissing your cheek goodnight
My memories are muddled with regret
Closely huddled by anger
Nightly cradled in nightmares
Hurt is meddling with my dreams
Dreams of a future I hoped for
For such is my deep pain
Pain that cannot be erased
Erased so that healing can begin
Begin from this point of wishes
Wishes that come undone
It’s a restless meddle

God Healed Me to the Point That I Can Live My Life Again (Daily Word Prompt is Heal)

Thoughts about healing that I really need right now. This post gives me hope that God is my healer and the lifter of my head when I am down. Thank you for this…

My Loud Whispers of Hope

(Please listen and watch my praise and worship video, with lyrics too, by Chris Tomlin “Lord I Need You” at the end of my Post).


Heal me, O Lord, and

I shall be healed;

Save me,and

I shall be saved,

for you are my praise.

–Jeremiah 17:14


God saved my life.

God healed me to the point that I can now live my life again.

He did not heal me completely from bipolar disorder, but He healed me to the point that I can now live a full and happy life.

I continue to live with bipolar disorder and have struggles and sometimes severe symptoms from my bipolar disorder, but God has taught me and given me the strength to continue on and fight my symptoms with all the strength I have deep within my soul.

God has healed me to the point that He has decided is just perfect for my life…

View original post 390 more words