TAKING STOCK 6

Goodbye-June-Hello-July

Opening: the Bible
Feeling: anxious
Knowing: five months have already gone without you
Wishing: i could fly
Hoping: tomorrow brings less heavy emotions
Marveling: at the word Moxie
Needing: still love
Watching: the moonless sky it’s 11pm here
Learning: i can move
Loving: still nothing
Admiring: other mothers
Thinking: i don’t want to be here
Wanting: everything
Smelling: dirt
Dreading: sleep
Dreaming: about babies, everyday
Cooking: i baked mug cakes
Making: my mind to stop thinking
Reading: not reading
Drinking: tea
Listening: to Adele’s ‘when we were young’ i don’t know why
Writing: these words on grief poetry
Wondering: what comes next after grief
Following: https://wemenshouldcook.com his food photography is amazing
Eating: rice and beans again
Wearing: blue jeans and a Tee
Creating: bubbles
Regretting: not saying what my hear wanted
Wasting: butter. Obsessively baking. Keeps me from thinking. About him
Noticing: days are going too fast
Giggling: no
Bookmarking: https://grief.com
Hating: that i am empty still

TAKING STOCK 5

96903-Hello-June

Opening: my empty heart a little
Feeling: empty
Knowing: i don’t know, I know it’s the middle of June, I care not
Wishing: i wasn’t here
Hoping: i have no hope
Marveling: nothing surprises me anymore
Needing: love
Watching: dry earth being blown by wind
Learning: i’m more hurt than I thought I was
Loving: i’m too empty to feel nothin’
Admiring: too emotionless to feel
Thinking: really damaging thoughts
Wanting: everything to end
Smelling: chocolate
Dreading: sleeping nowadays
Dreaming: about mom again
Cooking: tried to bake today
Making: plans to move from home a bit
Reading: not reading
Drinking: smirnoff
Listening: to my own heart beat
Writing: these words
Wondering: why? Why me? Why did it happen? Why am I alone? Why God? Why?
Following: https://jocooks.com i don’t know why i just want to eat
Eating: rice and beans
Wearing: another dera dress
Creating: nothing
Regretting: everything my life has been
Wasting: away in pieces
Noticing: i’m having chest pains on my left, where my heart is, pain has become physical
Giggling: is there such a thing now
Bookmarking: https://jocooks.com
Hating: everyone else that is happy

TAKING STOCK 4

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Opening: a new month thinking of the coming days
Feeling: less than perfect
Knowing: May should bring with it a little comfort and less of anger
Wishing: i was holding you in my arms. Baby my arms are still not used to being without you
Hoping: that life will make more sense as I try to navigate through this pain of mine
Marveling: at how much time passes yet still remains the same
Needing: more hugs than ever before. This feeling of loneliness has gripped my chest so hard refusing to let go
Watching: how the month unfolds, I haven’t watched any series or movie for so long
Learning: days, minutes, seconds can never be recounted, once gone they stay gone for good
Loving: still a blank stare
Admiring: those who overcame their pain and learnt to live with it and not let it define them
Thinking: april ended too fast, I cannot believe we are already in another month
Wanting: to be left alone sometimes to deal with this riveting grief that has me in chains
Smelling: toasted bread
Dreading: nights when I dream about babies only to wake up realising I lost my own, so frightening yet distinct
Dreaming:
Cooking:
Making: a decision to not be brought down by feelings of loss and so much sorrow
Reading: i can’t seem to want to read anymore, maybe the feeling will come back soon
Drinking: milk tea
Listening: to mercy me- I can only imagine
Writing: in my diary why life seems so unfair that everybody else is living the life I want, the life of being a mother
Wondering: how come…
Following: http://www.kaluhiskitchen.com
Eating: not yet lunch time
Wearing: a blue stripped dera, the one I wore to my baby’s funeral, somehow that gives me some sense of comfort and closeness to my absent boy
Creating: i haven’t felt any creative lately
Regretting: that life would have been different if I had made different choices at certain points in my life
Wasting: time
Noticing: i have lost a lot of weight, someone commented that I was shrinking…true, as my heart shrinks because of pain, my body shrinks too
Giggling: no laughter yet
Bookmarking: http://www.bikozulu.co.ke his witty writting makes me smile most times

TAKING STOCK 3

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Opening: parts of me i don’t want to feel
Feeling: restless
Knowing: life will someday be okay
Wishing: i could sleep all day
Hoping: i feel no hope lately
Marveling: at nothing
Needing: a long warm hug
Watching: the night sky
Learning: i’m getting more angrier
Loving: ???
Admiring: happy people
Thinking: i should love again
Wanting: peace of heart
Smelling: rain
Dreading: questions about my baby
Dreaming: senseless dreams
Cooking: nothing
Making: nothing
Reading: nothing
Drinking: tea
Listening: to the wind blow outside
Writing: trying to write again
Wondering: will i ever get to a better place
Following: i don’t really know
Eating: minced meat
Wearing: still grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: love
Wasting: minutes being sad
Noticing: my broken heart needs to Pause
Giggling: not in a while
Bookmarking: blank??

TAKING STOCK 2

hello-march-images-2

Opening: my heart a little bit
Feeling: thoughtless
Knowing: i have come this far in grief
Wishing: i could scream all emotions out
Hoping: life will get better soon
Marveling: at how fast morning comes
Needing: a sign that tomorrow is better
Watching: nothing
Learning: i have to stop crying
Loving: is there room for love right now really
Admiring: the clear blue sky
Thinking: life will soon make sense again
Wanting: to get out of this limbo
Smelling: eggs
Dreading: going out to live life without him
Dreaming: of holding on
Cooking: rice, maybe
Making: nothing
Reading: still not held a book
Drinking: water
Listening: music is a bit raw
Writing: my emotions
Wondering: will time heal all wounds as they say
Following: ellaine’s blog
Eating: a mango
Wearing: grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: nothing yet
Wasting: tears on my pillow
Noticing: i have a strong heart even though it is broken
Giggling: laughter has escaped me
Bookmarking: haven’t really browsed lately

TAKING STOCK 1

Hello-February-on-image-with-cute-cupid-and-love-arrows

Opening: my eyes

Feeling: like this day will never end

Knowing: i have to get up and live life again

Wishing: i had you in my arms

Hoping: that I will heal from this sense of loss

Marveling: at how much time has gone

Needing: to be comforted

Watching: the trees bend down from the wind

Learning: someday will come to be okay

Loving: nothing right now

Admiring: the morning sun

Thinking: it still feels like I am stuck at the same place

Wanting: to just sleep

Smelling: wet soil

Dreading: waking up another day without you

Dreaming: having nightmares really

Cooking: no strength to cook yet

Making: nothing

Reading: haven’t held a book for so long

Drinking: black tea

Listening: Nickelback – Lullaby

Writing: in this blog

Wondering: will it get better tomorrow

Following: eyes plus words

Eating: brown bread

Wearing: pajamas

Creating: nothing

Regretting: never singing everyday for you

Wasting: Heard my thoughts

Noticing: the dark shadows under my eyes

Giggling: waiting to laugh again

Bookmarking: whatsyourgrief  Feeling Nothing During Grief