YOU SLIP THROUGH MY THOUGHTS

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Every night I dream
Every night I fantasize
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Everday I awake
Everyday I think
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every moment I wonder
Every moment I tell myself
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every morning I imagine
Every morning I allow
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts

To be eight months old
In my arms holding tight
Kissing your little face
Cooing you to sleep

Everytime you slip through my thoughts
I want your presence with me
You got me, you got my heart
A beautiful song I could have sang for you
Such purity you exude
Lyrics of my soul stand out
I want to photograph your memory
Everytime you slip through my thoughts

LOVE KEPT IN A PHOTOGRAPH

MY-BABY

I could have held you
I could have loved you
I could have protected you
I could have taught you
I could have scolded you
I could have bathed you
I could have fed you
I could have kissed you
I could have
I should have
You
Wrapped in a white cotton shawl
Woolen baby cap on your head
Eyes tightly shut
Is that a smile I see
Am I dreaming
To imagine you could still hear me
Felt me holding you
Understand I was in love
With every being of mine
This photograph
Has all the love kept in it
It is everything I have of you
I have pushed myself aside
Trying to think I could have talked to you
Only one photograph
One photograph
I will hold for eternity

BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY

GRIEF

I don’t know where to start
Caged for so long in thoughts of loneliness
My redemption song
Refusing to leave my lungs
Chained by a bottomless pit
Of memories that should have been
Broken in a need for freedom
I will not wipe away my tears
I shall not hide my heavy sobs
I cannot run away from my heaves
I know big girls don’t cry
Loosing you made me a little girl
A little girl that needs
Arms wrapped around her heart
I don’t know where to end
Chained for so many months
My freedom song
Refusing to leave my vocal cords
Caged by an endless hollow
Of memories that I wanted to have
Big girls don’t cry
But not this one
Who has lost a child

SADNESS LIVES HERE

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Sadness has stalked me
Sadness has made me
Sadness has curled me
Sadness has injured me
Sadness has broken me
Yet it still lives here, sadness

Stalked me into sadness
Made me into sadness
Curled me into sadness
Injured me into sadness
Broken me into sadness
Sadness, yet it still lives here

I have nowhere to run or hide
Nowhere to rest my tired heart
How long has it been
That I allowed sadness in
Encroaching in my sanity
I have felt that heaviness
Understood
That sadness
Lives here

WISH YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME MOTHER

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Mother

Mom

Mama

Words so powerful

Heavy with emotion

Glue to every strength

A force that holds hearts

I should have been that

For you my child

I wanted to be everything and more

I wanted to be yours

Your mother

Wish you could have

Called me mother

Eight months

Was all you had

In mommy’s tummy

Every moment

I knew who you were

Every kick

I knew where you were

Every heart beat

I knew what you were

Wish you could have

Called me

Mother

Mom

Mama

 

I HAVE TO CLEAN MY FACE

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Walk out that door

Carrying baggage, heaviness

Yet I have to smile

So no one knows my psyche already gave up

My shadow even resents me

Because I am nothing but a shell

Hollow hollow darkened shell

I have to wash my face

Walk out that door

Like I was never crying

My soul out of its chest

Nobody should see these tears

They should not know

How my h I am breaking down

Falling apart to my knees

With pain I cannot fathom

Why do you have me here

I keep asking my maker

I want to let go

Just so I don’t have to cry

One more grey tear

I have to wipe my face

Walk out that door

Like my mind was never aching

My body screaming

Because pain is more than physical

Should I

Wash, wipe or clean my face

Before I walk out that door

I OWN ALL OF MY TEARS

never

Drunken in deep depression

My will just about giving out

A perfect facade

Of a loss I cannot get over

Take me home father

Let this world not know me anymore

I cannot seem to stop

All these tear drops

From drenching my chest

With memories

Of what could have been

I want to own all of my tears

Maybe then my hurt will stop

As I will never get to sing you a lullaby