I’ll write soon. In stages. Until the end.
4th April 2017
Here is the story of my baby boy. My Azariah Nathan. The baby I never got to hold, love and even breast feed. He was taken away too soon. Sometimes I blame, sometimes I’m so angry, sometimes I wish, then sometimes I feel nothing at all. He was my world, my entire universe, now gone, left with only memories that lasted a few seconds. It feels unreal, still, my heart burdened by loss I never thought I would experience again, ten years after loosing my mom…
11th May 2017
His Story Now…
I kind of knew I was pregnant before I did the home pregnancy test. It wasn’t even missed period. I just developed this sudden thirst for Lime drinks like Cocacola’s Sprite. I tried to debate it out of my mind but deep down I knew something was up with me. So several days of debating I decided to take that test. And there it was… a positive line.
12th June 2016
The day my whole world changed, literally, I wasn’t shocked, bewildered, sad… basically I was feeling everything yet nothing at the same time. Nothing ever prepares you for pregnancy. Forget all the stories you hear, all the books you read or even all the advice you get from all corners. It just can’t really be explained. So there I was, stick in my hand, reading positive, I WAS PREGNANT!!
You can’t imagine the excitement I felt when I felt my baby’s first flutter and I knew it was now more real than anything I have ever experienced. Baby would kick early morning and would wake me up, I loved putting my hand on my belly to feel baby respond back by kicking more. No experience could ever beat that. Baby also kicked whenever I felt hungry or I was cooking, the favorite food. Everything was perfect, I settled in with the expectation of being a mother. I never experienced morning sickness, taste in food of course changed, I couldn’t stand some while I ate others more. Baby was growing and I could feel increase in the weight of my belly…
17th December 2016
Fast foward to seven months pregnant. My last check up was on this date, 17th December 2016. Before then I had developed swollen feet, ankles, practically both my legs were swelling up to the knees almost. I would wake up with swollen hands tender at the wrists, and my face sometimes swelled too in the morning but would be back to normal in the late mornings. I was informed that it is normal for pregnant women to swell because of water retention while pregnant. I wasn’t in pain or discomfort, just the swelling that I knew were part of pregnancy. Being a first pregnancy you tend to follow doctor’s advice and instructions to the latter. I was assured the swelling would disappear after giving birth and things would be normal. As usual at that last check up they checked my blood pressure-normal, my weight at 7 months-normal, baby’s heartbeat-normal. Pretty much a clean bill of pregnancy health. I had planned to do my scan at 8 months which would be in January 2017, since I was still debating whether I wanted to know the sex of the baby or not. Secretly I had hoped for a baby boy but would be happy whichever the case would be, unconditional love was what I was going to give my baby, my baby…
4th January 2017
I had been having a mild cold for a few days but it wasn’t that serious. Being pregnant I could not take any medicine without the doctor’s approval so I was waiting it out of my system. I had my usual breakfast and went to sit at the balcony to drink in the early morning sun. I was a bit uncomfortable but I knew it was just about the baby starting to descend and becoming heavier since I had less than two months before baby came. I ended up sitting on the floor after trying to find a position that I was comfortable in. Several hours later I decided to go and sleep after eating some food since it was already lunch time.
Sleep wouldn’t come so I woke up. Soon as I went to the bathroom to pee, I noticed that I was spotting. Instant panic hit me knowing that when you are this far along in pregnancy you are not supposed to bleed. Immedaitely I called my mum, called the taxi and took a quick shower as I waited for the taxi. I think my mind went blank because I wasn’t thinking anything all I could say was “please be okay, please be okay” over and over in my head.
Getting to the hospital I explained I was bleeding at 32 weeks. Nurse checked my blood pressure and was concerned that it was extremly high. She then checked the baby, moved away with concern in her eyes. She was using a cone like thing to press on my belly to check a heart beat. She then calmly- though I knew she was trying not to alarm me- asked another nurse to come and listen to the heart beat. The other nurse shook her head slightly then went to bring the other machine that you can hear clearly any sound coming from a baby’s heart. I was already in pain, what turned out to be labour pains
“WE CAN’T FEEL THE HEART BEAT”
I think I died a little.
After those words were uttered.
Then my mind just blocked it all.
I was going through the motions, everything seemed to be stuck in a dreary slow motion. Nurse ordered blood and urine tests to determine what was happening. I have no idea where I found the strength to go to the lab for tests with my mom. In my heart I was refusing to accept as my mind was too blank to respond appropriately. Since I could not give a urine sample I had to go for a scan which would be conclusive.
I was admitted and twice they checked my blood pressure and twice it kept going up. Doctor decided to give me two injections to bring down my very high blood pressure. I went to do the scan in another room and the doctor handed back the results to the nurse who was seeing me. He wouldn’t even look at me, I knew, yet I didn’t want to know.
The spotting had already turned into full on bleeding. The nurse checked me up and said that I was already dilated 2 centimeters. I was still not there, still going through the motions. It was around 11pm in the night. Due to the labour pains, which I was told were preterm labour pains, I kept pacing up and down, sitting on the bed, sprawling on the floor… nothing was really registering. My brain had still blocked everything… the night was long and physically painfull… mum was there, running up and down, disturbing nurses and doctors, she was almost kicked out for having too many questions and not wanting to leave my side even in the examination room…
5th January 2017
Rough night. Morning came. Still labour pains persisting. Doctor came to check up on me, asking how intense the pains were, my reaction just told him I was in indescribable pain.
“We can’t wait any longer, it’s too dangerous, we can’t wait for the water to break” he said urgently.
I was taken to the testing room, where the nurse literally broke the water while I lay there legs wide apart. I wasn’t there. I think I had left my body and was just watching someone else go through that. I was taken back to bed and told to call a nurse soon as the contractions startedu being intense and too close to each other. Around 2pm I told mom that I was starting to feel that strong urge to push. She immedaitely called the doctor, I was taken to the labour room. I don’t remember what I was feeling, or if I was feeling anything at all. All I remember doing is hearing the nurse yelling at me to push! Pain was unimaginable. Physical pain. My mind had left my body completely, it was like the two were operating on different channels. My body was in pain, yet my mind was not registering anything. One finall PUSH! Out came my baby, my boy, my loss…
“He’s 1.9kg” she announced.
Below is a picture of my baby… I had to put it in black and white, colored it’s devastatingly real… my mum is the one who took it at the morgue…
My soul had already left me. I couldn’t even hold him. I was afraid I would not let go… EVER…
My world unravelled right infront of me. I was dead. Both inside. And outside.
I had to stay admitted at the hospital for three days so that they could monitor my blood pressure which had still not yet gone down. The hospital told me that I had two options regarding my baby that I could leave him at the hospital and they would ‘take care of it’ or I could take him away. I couldn’t imagine leaving my only child at the hospital, I would die of guilt if I abandoned my baby at the hospital- that’s what it felt like. Mom would take care of everything including arranging for the funeral home and even funeral arrangements, payments and all that Thank God for MOTHER.
9th January 2017
I watched as my baby boy Azariah Nathan was lowered into the ground to his final resting place. My mind has still blocked it. Everything. It’s still going through the motions. I cried everyday of the weeks that followed, sometimes openly, most times crying myself to sleep… i wanted to be with my baby, I asked God why I did not die together with my baby… nothing made sense, no explanation was enough, no words were good enough…
11th May 2017
I still imagine it was all a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. My mind has still refused to let me in. It’s still blocked. Still closed up. Still in denial. Still questioning. My baby’s names represented something, they had meaning and for some time I was angry that his names couldn’t even save him. Azariah means “God helps” while Nathan means “Gift from God” I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I am the same person. Everything has changed. I have changed. My world has changed. Because I lost my son, I am not just a mother, but a grieving mother, who sometimes doesn’t want to heal, so don’t ask me to, just let me be….