EIGHT MONTHS

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You were gone in a second
Yet existed inside my womb
Eight months I felt you alive
Eight months I knew you were real
Eight months I had planned for you
Eight months I waited to see you
I wish I had held you longer

You disappeared in a minute
Yet existed in my heart
Eight months I felt your heart beat
Eight months I felt your foot kick
Eight months I felt your turns
Eight months I felt your hiccup
I wish I had felt you longer

You went away in an hour
Yet existed inside my mind
Eight months I spoke to you
Eight months I sang for you
Eight months I read to you
Eight months I laughed with you
I wish I had talked to you longer

You slept forever in a day
Yet existed not in my arms
Eight months I could have loved
Eight months I would have named
Eight months I should have had you
Eight months I will not have with you
I wish I could hold you longer

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LOOP

Grief by l_stade 2009

She Looped her hands around her heart
Grief breaths were freezing her soul
She had to hold onto her chest
Lest she crumble apart
Her memories felt like home
Memories of her son unborn
Like photographs standing still
She was scared to face her fears
Nobody told her
It would hurt this much
When he left her arms
Before his time even began
Everything took her back
To when he was still in her womb
She clasps her heart again
Will it be the last time
It will hurt this recklessly bad

A PART OF ME HAS DIED

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Even though a part of me has died
I have few memories I hold dear
Breathing is all I can do
Even though pain is deep
Eyes pinching with tears
I need to come back to life
My arms open wide
To hold a child non existent
Overcome by so much grief
Will my scars be understood
Questions keep fading away

Even though a part of me has died
I am left with few moments I keep close
Breathing everything I know to do
Even though suffering is still deep
Eyes dancing with tears
I have to bring back my life
My arms closed on my chest
To hold my heart empty without child
Overcome by so much emptiness
Will scars speak for themselves
Questions keep bouncing back to me

Even though a part of me had died
A Temporary pain I must endure
Remembering he came for a purpose
My child that is no more
A season that has refused to end

WHY DOES SHE GET TO HAVE HER BABY

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I know I should not be asking
But I will still ask
Because I have not yet healed
Why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can tell me why
I cannot question God
Yet my heart asks why
Why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can explain why
I cannot question Man
Yet my soul asks why
Why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can show me why
I cannot question the universe
Yet my body asks why
Why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
Now I am Exposed to heartbreak

I FELT MY BABY KICK

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I knew you were real
The moment I felt your first kick
It felt strange
Yet exhilarating
Still wonderful
And strange again
I remember feeling my tummy
Then seeing you move about
Bouncing up, down my stomach
It was real
Nothing like I ever imagined
It couldn’t be
Anything I thought it would be
You announced your presence
With those subtle kicks
Excited whenever I put my hand on your soft foot
I couldn’t see
Yet I knew you were so strong
I felt my baby kick and
I knew
I would meet you soon
Now I have a hole
In my heart
Forced to carry on without you
I miss your little kicks
Early morning
Sometimes late evening
Or whenever I was hungry
You were too
How do I get through this
When does it ever not hurt
Anymore
All I want dear baby
Is to feel your kicks
Once again
How sad, I can never feel…
Hear your kicks again
I miss
I crave for
I cry after
I wish
With all my heart
That I would feel your kicks
Inside my lonely belly

DIARY ENTRY: DAY 6 MEMOIRS

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This is my Diary entry for June 17th 2016. I had started documenting this motherhood journey being a first time mom you have all these questions, emotions and feelings that can sometimes overwhelm. For me writing is my way of lightening the load from my heart. Whenever I can muster the courage of going down memory lane, I will be picking random diary entries to share with you. Not all of them. So. Walk with me and hold my hand as I do this…

Friday June 17, 2016
Hey Babyeyes,

It’s Day 6 since I found out you are here and I feel…NOTHING! Maybe I guess it’s coz I haven’t really thought about you that much. Is it a good thing or am I just trying to cope. Emotionally I think I am sound and a bit calm. Though I have momentary lapses of insanity, in a good way though.

I think the morning sickness business is trying to knock at my door. I read that 80 percent of expectant women experience morning sickness. Ranging from mild to severe like the one that Kate Middleton had in her first pregnancy. You know I was hoping that I’d skip this whole puking thing. Maybe I’ll not be that lucky. I’m already feeling it set in. I have just cooked my usual tea and bread yet it’s refusing to go down. I’m so hungry, I guess you are too, yet the food is just bleugh! bleugh!

I’m feeling the nausea so strong, trying to ignore it but my upper tummy is really trying my patience. My sense of smell has become so high I can actually smell the neighbour’s breakfast, they’re cooking eggs or French Toast. Probably that’s what is making my tummy turn. I’m already getting to the place where I’ll start hating food and I don’t like it at all, why should I hate what I love and love what I have always hated?

Honestly babyeyes why do you have to change my whole palate when you should just accept what I love and just cooperate with me throughout this period? What cooking oil are they using, seriously?

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m not afraid. I’m not anxious. I’m not anticipating. I’m not regretful. I’m not freaking. I’m not angry. I’m just…NOTHING. It feels like I am just floating in this reality-non-reality quagmire. To put it plainly, I’m just there. What do I want really? I want not to feel like this, to just be normal again without my stomach churning and turning trying to dump the contents that are not really there.

Emotionally I am kind of fine but physically I just want to cry myself till I have nothing in me. This nausea is just giving me the worst days of my life and I’m just starting this journey. Who said motherhood was easy?

I don’t know what is up with you today. You’re really bitting my stomach painfully, or is it tugging? Maybe you’re just hungry but it’s your fault, you don’t want to eat my breakfast, if I can’t eat how are you supposed to not be hungry? Please just take whatever it is that I have coz I don’t know what you want. Seems everything you are beginning to dislike so what do I do with you?

Let’s just make a truce that you will allow me to eat whatever I want just so you don’t torture my stomach with hunger pains, no? Gosh! what is that cooking oil they’re using! It’s now getting to me hard. I hate it! I do hope today gets better no?

Mamaloves