THE GHOST OF ME

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What you see now
Is the ghost of me
The shell that has remained
The skeletons that be
The naked flames dying
This is me
A broken heart
Triggered by moments
When I see them holding tiny hands
While my hands were left empty
When you said goodbye
I saw misery
I see misery
Will time create a mirage of peace
Will distance
Help me forget
This is the ghost of me
What has been left
When my womb emptied you
In sick sadness
It hang low
Knowing
It could not give you life
Anymore
Feeling like it failed you
The ghost of me haunts my nights
Hovering over a darkened smile
Unable to feel emotions
Only numbness
Lots and lost regrets
It should have been wonderful
You should have been wonderful
In my arms
On my breast
Over my shoulder
Under my fingers
On top of my laps
It should have been me and you
You and me it should have been
Now this ghost of me
Runs wild in my bewildered dreams
Reigning inside my empty mind
Most days I feel nothing
Because emptiness has resided
Where your heart should have been
Next to mine
Where it is now
Is a hollow space stuck between centuries
My son
Mama needs you
To take away
The ghost of me

I HAVE LOST

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I have lost faith in myself
I have grown such a fear
Fear of rejection
When you left
Baby when you left
A hole emerged
From the place you said goodbye
What if, I ask
What now, I wonder
How will my pain evolve
Will it break me
Will I be shattered by it

I have already lost faith in myself
I have grown such a dread
Dread of dejection
After you left
Baby after you left
A hollowness emerged
From the place I said goodbye
Where to, I ask
Where now, I wonder
How will my hurt revolve
Will it hurt me
Will I be destroyed by it

I just want to cry
I feel I should cry
So that I stop being afraid
Or being filled with dread
You have left me with only memories
It feels like bricks being thrown at me
Because I have lost
Faith in myself, this Perfumed world

201

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If we were having coffee
I’d tell you that
This is my 201 post
200 posts of my grieving
For my baby boy gone too soon
I feel
The same
Full of questions
Filled with anger
Drowning in regrets
Of why I never held my baby longer
I’d tell you each day is different
Yet some are still the same
On my 201 post
I’d let you know it still hurts
Like it did on 5th January
When my baby’s arms
Left mine
200 posts of pain
200 posts of memories
200 posts of somewhat hope
200 posts
Of how much I miss you
My baby boy Azariah Nathan

CRANKY LULLABY

Soledad

What will I sing for you
Now that you are not here
My lullaby for you is Cranky
It refuses to be soothed
By an empty heart

YOU WERE A BOY

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My boy
The one God created for me
The one I waited for
The one I loved immensely
The one I forever hold in my heart

You were a boy
My boy
Whom I adored
Even before your organs formed
When I blessed you immensely
With every fibre of my being

You were a boy
My boy