I COME TO YOU WITH A BROKEN FAITH

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I have fallen by the wayside
Lost amidst thoughts of hurt
My pain I have stuffed inside
I have hated that I suffered loss
I never said goodbye
I never said hello
I blamed
I hated
I was angry
Broken with no joy
I thought I knew how to heal
By myself
I wanted to drown
I wanted it to end
Because the loneliness
The sadness
The questions
The not understanding
How a good God would take you away
My soul never wanted to be alive
My mind could not comprehend it all
It seemed unfair
It felt unwarranted
I had you for such a short time
Forever was all I wanted
Then you were gone
And I had nothing
Now
I come to you with a broken faith
I seek not understanding how
I need my heart to heal
I cannot heal my own heart
I cannot touch away the pain
I cannot erase the memories
My faith is broken
Not even cracked
Just broken
I have no strength to mend it
I can only come to you
With this broken faith

BROKEN

I’m taking a break. My heart’s still too broken. I’m starting to have a meltdown.

WAKE ME UP WHEN THE PAIN IS GONE

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I want to sleep soundly
Sleep until I have no more pain
Pain of your loss child
I want to dream dreams
That make me touch your hand
Smell your baby scent
Bask in your unconditional love
I want to fall asleep
Without any fears of nightmares
I don’t want to feel homeless
Or desolate
When I go to sleep at night
So let me sleep
Then wake me up
When the pain is all gone
So I will not close my eyes
Fearing that pain of your loss
Will cause me to not sleep soundly
When I want to sleep
Let me be
Let me fall slowly asleep
Let me alone
Only wake me up
When the pain is all gone
The pain of loosing you my child
For in sleep I rest in your tiny embrace
In sleep I find comfort in your heart
In sleep I know you are with me
In my dreams I hold your hand still
So wake me not, let me sleep
Until all the pain is gone
My heart is on the Precipice of pain
I want to wake up when it’s all gone

A BETTER LIE

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Pasted smile on my face
I lie I am better
When all I want is to collapse
I need a better lie
To tell my heart
So my mind listens
And my body obeys
That I am Better

I WILL BE PRUDENT IN MY HEALING

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Healing will come
When everything else is silent
When no one talks of memories
When they all move on
I will be prudent in my healing
Waiting upon it like a light source
Dreaming upon it like a life line
Wasting not
Wanting not
I will stand still and wait for it
That moment that healing will come
When tears will only be for laughter
When ribs will ache
Because I laughed so loud
At happy moments
And serene times
Healing find me
Take me to the pool of okay
When fine will not just be a word
Playing in my stubborn mind
This healing must come
Since I choose to be Prudent in my healing

FAILED INSTINCT

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How did I not know
That you were dying
Inside my belly
Did I then have
A failed instinct

HEART BEAT I NEVER GOT TO HEAR

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It hit me
I will never know what color your eyes were
I will never know what your voice would sound like
I will never know how soft your feet would feel
I will never know what your tears would look like
I will never know how your sleep breathe would feel like
I will never know how our bond would be
I will never know how to walk you to school everyday
Still my child
Without you
I would never have known the beauty of life
If you never existed
Even for a second, a minute
You will never be replaced
As you were my little miracle

I will never know your heartbeat out of my womb
I will never know what your tantrums would be like
I will never know what your fingernails would look like
I will never know your soft lips on my breasts
I will never know your beautiful yawn as you fall asleep
I will never know your fears in nightmares you would have
Still my child
I would never have known the beauty of life
If you never existed
Even for a second, a minute
You will never be replaced
As you were my little miracle

You had
A heartbeat I never got to hear
A cry I never got to soothe
A hunger I never got to satiate
A thirst I never got to quench
A love I never got to satisfy
Though you lay still I Label you
My little miracle