YOU SLIP THROUGH MY THOUGHTS

images (6)

Every night I dream
Every night I fantasize
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Everday I awake
Everyday I think
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every moment I wonder
Every moment I tell myself
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every morning I imagine
Every morning I allow
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts

To be eight months old
In my arms holding tight
Kissing your little face
Cooing you to sleep

Everytime you slip through my thoughts
I want your presence with me
You got me, you got my heart
A beautiful song I could have sang for you
Such purity you exude
Lyrics of my soul stand out
I want to photograph your memory
Everytime you slip through my thoughts

WISH YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME MOTHER

7c2966024d54bfa6c12a6267833159a4

Mother

Mom

Mama

Words so powerful

Heavy with emotion

Glue to every strength

A force that holds hearts

I should have been that

For you my child

I wanted to be everything and more

I wanted to be yours

Your mother

Wish you could have

Called me mother

Eight months

Was all you had

In mommy’s tummy

Every moment

I knew who you were

Every kick

I knew where you were

Every heart beat

I knew what you were

Wish you could have

Called me

Mother

Mom

Mama

 

I HAVE TO CLEAN MY FACE

349c0da625657581361d49b63e99d2ae

Walk out that door

Carrying baggage, heaviness

Yet I have to smile

So no one knows my psyche already gave up

My shadow even resents me

Because I am nothing but a shell

Hollow hollow darkened shell

I have to wash my face

Walk out that door

Like I was never crying

My soul out of its chest

Nobody should see these tears

They should not know

How my h I am breaking down

Falling apart to my knees

With pain I cannot fathom

Why do you have me here

I keep asking my maker

I want to let go

Just so I don’t have to cry

One more grey tear

I have to wipe my face

Walk out that door

Like my mind was never aching

My body screaming

Because pain is more than physical

Should I

Wash, wipe or clean my face

Before I walk out that door

DEPRESSION

images (1)

i still keep wondering why am here. they are totally tired of me. i know. i feel it. and i hate it.

i still keep thinking why should i be here. they are completely fed up with me. i understand. i sense it. and i loathe it.

i still keep asking why was i here. they are completely done with me. i expect it. i know it. and i hurt it.

I’M LOOSING MY FIGHT SONG

depression-taking-off-the-mask

I don’t have a lot of fight
Left in me
I feel bottomless
This hollow feeling
Will not leave me be
I am tired of fighting
Fighting demons
Of yester regrets, pain
A lot of pain
Created by the loss of you
My unborn, my Nathan
I feel a heaviness
Words cannot be poured enough
Silence is become louder
Mornings dreaded
Nights welcomed
Because I get to lay down
My emotions of loss
Sleep gives me a kind hope
Hope that my mind will rest
I don’t have
A lot of fight left in me
I can’t fight anymore
I cannot run from myself
Darkness is all I wish for
So my secret tears
Will not be seen
I feel weightless
Like I have nothing left
I miss you my son
It seems deragatory
To even think of not missing you
Are you dancing with Angels
Perhaps you can invite me
I don’t
Have a lot of fight
Left in me

TAKE

depression1

Take me home. She said. I want to stay with my son. Take me home.

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BOY

images (1)

It’s hard to think
That I don’t have you
This Christmas
Our first christmas
You should have been
In my arms
I should have
Been singing for you gingle bells
I would have
Decorated
The Christmas tree with you
I should have
Baked
Gingerbread cookies with you
Merry Christmas my boy

All I want for Christmas
Is you in my arms
To hold and never let go
To create memories with you
On our first Christmas
Wish you were here with me
Wanted so much for us
The whole world
Should
Have been yours my boy
You would have been
A Joy to the world
Mostly joy to me
Merry Christmas my boy

To many more Christmases
That I will have
You will always be
The best gift I could have had
Merry Christmas my boy
Merry Christmas Nathan