ONE OF THOSE DAYS

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Today has just been one of those days I hate. I just feel so out of place like I dont belong here. It’s my birthday month, yet I don’t really feel like celebrating. What would I be celebrating? I lost the only thing that made sense in my life. How could such a thing happen to me? I still question the sanctity of life, how is one life more important than another? I know I wont get answers yet I still ask. How now? I feel like giving up.

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DIARY ENTRY: DAY 6 MEMOIRS

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This is my Diary entry for June 17th 2016. I had started documenting this motherhood journey being a first time mom you have all these questions, emotions and feelings that can sometimes overwhelm. For me writing is my way of lightening the load from my heart. Whenever I can muster the courage of going down memory lane, I will be picking random diary entries to share with you. Not all of them. So. Walk with me and hold my hand as I do this…

Friday June 17, 2016
Hey Babyeyes,

It’s Day 6 since I found out you are here and I feel…NOTHING! Maybe I guess it’s coz I haven’t really thought about you that much. Is it a good thing or am I just trying to cope. Emotionally I think I am sound and a bit calm. Though I have momentary lapses of insanity, in a good way though.

I think the morning sickness business is trying to knock at my door. I read that 80 percent of expectant women experience morning sickness. Ranging from mild to severe like the one that Kate Middleton had in her first pregnancy. You know I was hoping that I’d skip this whole puking thing. Maybe I’ll not be that lucky. I’m already feeling it set in. I have just cooked my usual tea and bread yet it’s refusing to go down. I’m so hungry, I guess you are too, yet the food is just bleugh! bleugh!

I’m feeling the nausea so strong, trying to ignore it but my upper tummy is really trying my patience. My sense of smell has become so high I can actually smell the neighbour’s breakfast, they’re cooking eggs or French Toast. Probably that’s what is making my tummy turn. I’m already getting to the place where I’ll start hating food and I don’t like it at all, why should I hate what I love and love what I have always hated?

Honestly babyeyes why do you have to change my whole palate when you should just accept what I love and just cooperate with me throughout this period? What cooking oil are they using, seriously?

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m not afraid. I’m not anxious. I’m not anticipating. I’m not regretful. I’m not freaking. I’m not angry. I’m just…NOTHING. It feels like I am just floating in this reality-non-reality quagmire. To put it plainly, I’m just there. What do I want really? I want not to feel like this, to just be normal again without my stomach churning and turning trying to dump the contents that are not really there.

Emotionally I am kind of fine but physically I just want to cry myself till I have nothing in me. This nausea is just giving me the worst days of my life and I’m just starting this journey. Who said motherhood was easy?

I don’t know what is up with you today. You’re really bitting my stomach painfully, or is it tugging? Maybe you’re just hungry but it’s your fault, you don’t want to eat my breakfast, if I can’t eat how are you supposed to not be hungry? Please just take whatever it is that I have coz I don’t know what you want. Seems everything you are beginning to dislike so what do I do with you?

Let’s just make a truce that you will allow me to eat whatever I want just so you don’t torture my stomach with hunger pains, no? Gosh! what is that cooking oil they’re using! It’s now getting to me hard. I hate it! I do hope today gets better no?

Mamaloves

WORDLESS

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I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…

GRIEF POETRY VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD

versatile-blogger-award (1)I’m so honored to have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Zoe. Thank you so much for considering me for this. Writing has always been my go to whenever I have any given emotion to put out there. And to know that I have touched someone with my simple words is just an amazing feeling that keeps you motivated to write more. Zoe is a fellow blogger whose blog is filled with motivational articles and great quotes that speak to your heart. make sure you check her out at Hope Dream Wait and see for yourself what I am talking about. So the rules are simple:

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If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award.
  •  Include a link to their blog.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Thanks Zoe for this nomination. You’re such a darling for this. Like I said don’t forget to visit her amazing blog!

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My nominees for the Versatile Blog Award goes to:

  1. Words in The Light
  2. My Loud Bipolar Whispers
  3. Thoughts Of Words
  4. Aweni
  5. lifesfinewhine
  6. Settle in El Paso
  7. Ramjet Poetry
  8. Clumsy And Silly
  9. Thoughts of Sheryl
  10. John Coyote
  11. Yaskhan
  12. LadyLebz
  13. Love It Now
  14. These Things I Write
  15. Eyes Plus Words

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7 Random Things About Me

  1. I love the smell of earth when it rains. Have you ever just sat outside when it wants to start raining and all of a sudden when it does there is this yummy smell of the earth once the rain falls on dry soil. What! I always want to lick up the soil, that smell is just too delicious to ignore. I could sit outside for hours on end. I love that smell and live to smell it whenever it pours. Rain should fall now, pleeease!
  2. I have a fear of small spaces. Hence my fear of drowning. I don’t really like small squeezed spaces that I feel like I cannot breathe. I want my space to be filled with lots of air, clean abundant air. I never like to enter elevators when there are a lot of people, I just start to hyperventilate feeling like the walls are closing in. I love to swim, and I do swim but there is always that fear of drowning that keeps me from going into the deep end of the pool, an ocean, don’t even get me started. Whenever I watch a scene in a movie/ series where someone is drowning I start to feel like I’m suffocating too! I should try and overcome this.
  3. I’m a CHOCOHOLIC. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I can never get enough of this sweet food of the gods, as it was once known. Chocolate for me is my indulgence, cure, food, dessert, best friend, pretty much everything. Give me chocolate, you have my heart. My favorite is Cadbury’s Rum&Raisin and Fruit&Nut
  4. I love nature. Nothing beats being out in nature, breathing the fresh crisp air especially in the early morning. For me nature is kind of therapeutic, especially after a hard day in the traffic filled loud city noises. The beauty of nature is just profound and gives you that relaxed awesome feeling of being closer to God.
  5. Azariah Nathan was my first baby. Being pregnant was the best feeling that I have ever had that I cannot explain or put it in words. Being pregnant for the first time is both exciting and scary, you tend to feel so many emotions that are scattered that you feel overwhelmed. Loosing my baby boy is the hardest thing in the world, I miss him and wish we had more time together. He will always be my first born no matter what the future holds.
  6. I’m OBSESSED with motorbikes. I can’t really explain where this obsession came from but I have always had a thing about motorbikes. Maybe it’s all the Bollywood movies that I watched while growing up, but those mean machines make me weak in the knees. Suffice to say one of my bucket list adventures is to drive a motorbike, those pimped up ones that are crazy and awesome!
  7. I’m a great cook. I have always loved to cook even when I was younger till now, because the best part of cooking is…EATING. I love art which I always bring to food when presenting it. I love to experiment on recipes and even create my own! I have a collection of recipes from when I was in High School so that should tell you how much I love being in the Kitchen.

So there you have it. Thanks again Zoe for the nomination and for giving me that chance to write about myself. Something I had forgotten to do for a really long while. I kind of lost myself and my identity when my baby died so this kind of brings me back to what I used to be and I am supposed to be. For my Nominees, your blogs are just awesome places that I like to visit to be inspired, thank you too. Lots of love 🙂

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TEN YEARS MOTHER

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I have not forgotten you mother

Ten years have passed
Ten years without your love
Ten years missing your laughter
Ten years crying for your loss
Ten years not holding you
Ten years not laying on your chest
Ten years not hearing your advice

I have not forgotten you mother

Ten years I have yearned for you
Ten years I have missed you
Ten years I have been alone
Ten years I have cried so much
Ten years I have lost my direction
Ten years I have not talked to you
Ten years I have held myself

I have not forgotten you mother

Ten years you are still with me
Ten years you live in my heart
Ten years you speak in my dreams
Ten years you exist in my memories
Ten years you dwell in my mind
Ten years you stay in my soul
Ten years you abide in my brain

I have not forgotten you mother

Ten years of silently wishing you home
Ten years of words said in your memory
Ten years of still questioning my reality
Ten years of wanting the same thing, you
Ten years of  Nervous tear stained pillow
Ten years of creating a wall in my heart
Ten years of covering myself with rain

I have not forgotten you mother

Now you get to meet your grandson
My baby is up there with you mother
I miss you both
More than you will ever know
Ten years, mother, it’s been ten years
I need to survive another ten
Without you and my baby

MAMA’S LITTLE MILESTONE

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20 Days, 60 Follows, 500 Post Likes, 1,000 Hits…my little milestones…

It’s been 20 days since I started writing on poetry grief. This was born out of my personal loss that I am still trying to navigate through. When I lost my baby who was stillborn, I thought I would never write again. I couldn’t imagine that I would do something I loved ever again. But then I realized that I wasn’t ready to talk about my grief, I couldn’t make it real by talking about it so I decided to try writing my conflicted emotions.

Writing for me has always been everything I had. I write when I am happy, I write when I am hurting, I write when I am broken, I write when I am in and out of love, I write when I am celebrating, I write even when I am uninspired…so it just made sense that I would write my grief. Even though I write, I still cannot put it into the right words how the death of my baby has changed me. It still hurts so bad there are days I want to not feel anything. Then there are those days I feel nothing when all I want to feel is everything.

I just needed an outlet of all these strange, horrible, unfathomable emotions, feelings and needs. Before writing I wondered; who would read about pain or grief? Who would want to feel my emotions on paper? Who would even understand? Yet I had to write. For me. And you. And her. And him. And them. It didn’t matter if no one read, I just needed to write.

This is my safe and free therapist’s chair that I get to pour myself out in the most vulnerable and intimate way. This is my diary that I let you read about my struggles and the journey towards getting to a place where it hurts less if not at all. It has been so far a place that I look foward to coming everyday without fear of being judged or condemned. I feel safe when I come to grief poetry, I feel like I am not alone, I feel a certain comfort when I am here. And it is all because you have welcomed and embraced me in this little blogosphere of mine. Your comments, encouragement, understanding, support and advice has made me stronger each day. This journey of grieving has been made bearable because you are here with me holding me in your own way.

So as I celebrate and acknowledge the little milestone on grief poetry, I want to say THANK YOU, for listening to my rants, laments, cries, sometimes hopelessness and even grief. I hope to find my peace, healing and even comfort in the end. I look foward to sharing my healing journey with all of you. Much love and hugs to every person who visits my sometimes conflicted space. You truly are amazing😍😍😍😍

HAPPINESS IS A BLUR

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When I laughed
When did I last laugh
I laughed today
Not because I was happy
Because I didn’t realize
I had said a joke
They laughed
So I laughed too
It didn’t reach my soul
Or even my heart
There were not even wrinkle lines
Under my eyes
When I laughed
When did I laugh last
I laughed today
Not because I was happy
I laughed when they laughed
Yet my happiness is a Blur still