FEBRUARY 22nd 2017

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Today is the day
Day you were to be born
Born to my waiting arms
Arms that cradled you in my belly
Belly that is shrinking
Shrinking in so much sorrow
Sorrow that has taken my heart
Heart that is still unconscious
Unconcious yet bleeding
Bleeding without a sense of urgency
Urgency to let go
Go away from a hurting soul
Soul deadened by undefined expectations
Expectations of you on my laps
Laps that are now lonely

Today is the day
Day that would have been your birthday
Birthday I would have cherished
Cherished until my last breath
Breath that is chocking my spirit
Spirit so downtrodden
Downtrodden into the hole of memories
Memories I would have created with you
You who were supposed to be here
Here on my bosom
Bosom that is cold from loneliness
Loneliness tatooed all over my subconscious
Subconcious thoughts of a deep sinkhole
Sinkhole I want to bury myself in
In or out of my crazy thoughts
Thoughts that silence me

Today is the day
Day that I wish to forget
Forget that I am in pain
Pain of knowing you are not part of me
Me that is struggling to breath oxygen
Oxygen diluted by a sad madness
Madness seems more comforting
Comforting yet reminiscent of promises
Promises that diminish in the night
Night I do not want to sleep
Sleep is filled with nightmares
Nightmares remind me of your absence
Absence keeps me insanely abandoned
Abandoned by empty hands holding out
Out and about I wish to disappear
Disappear into my own deluded heartache

Today is the day
Today was your due date
Today I was to meet you my child
Azariah Nathan
You should have been here today
22nd February 2017
Was your date to meet
The world
My world

13TH FEBRUARY

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Tomorrow is Valentines Day
I feel love escape my heart
Replaced by panics, disillusion
Heart pressed on its chest
Afraid to even breath
Or heave without fear
All this overflowing love
Would have been yours to receive
As yours would have been mine
I wish to have
Spread kisses across your tiny cheeks
Sing my favourite love song to you

Love is not in my air
My air is filled with your absence
Each gulp echoing what is deeply hidden
That I cannot face tomorrow
Without thinking
How I should have loved you

TAKING STOCK 1

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Opening: my eyes

Feeling: like this day will never end

Knowing: i have to get up and live life again

Wishing: i had you in my arms

Hoping: that I will heal from this sense of loss

Marveling: at how much time has gone

Needing: to be comforted

Watching: the trees bend down from the wind

Learning: someday will come to be okay

Loving: nothing right now

Admiring: the morning sun

Thinking: it still feels like I am stuck at the same place

Wanting: to just sleep

Smelling: wet soil

Dreading: waking up another day without you

Dreaming: having nightmares really

Cooking: no strength to cook yet

Making: nothing

Reading: haven’t held a book for so long

Drinking: black tea

Listening: Nickelback – Lullaby

Writing: in this blog

Wondering: will it get better tomorrow

Following: eyes plus words

Eating: brown bread

Wearing: pajamas

Creating: nothing

Regretting: never singing everyday for you

Wasting: Heard my thoughts

Noticing: the dark shadows under my eyes

Giggling: waiting to laugh again

Bookmarking: whatsyourgrief  Feeling Nothing During Grief