YOU SLIP THROUGH MY THOUGHTS

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Every night I dream
Every night I fantasize
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Everday I awake
Everyday I think
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every moment I wonder
Every moment I tell myself
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every morning I imagine
Every morning I allow
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts

To be eight months old
In my arms holding tight
Kissing your little face
Cooing you to sleep

Everytime you slip through my thoughts
I want your presence with me
You got me, you got my heart
A beautiful song I could have sang for you
Such purity you exude
Lyrics of my soul stand out
I want to photograph your memory
Everytime you slip through my thoughts

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LOVE KEPT IN A PHOTOGRAPH

MY-BABY

I could have held you
I could have loved you
I could have protected you
I could have taught you
I could have scolded you
I could have bathed you
I could have fed you
I could have kissed you
I could have
I should have
You
Wrapped in a white cotton shawl
Woolen baby cap on your head
Eyes tightly shut
Is that a smile I see
Am I dreaming
To imagine you could still hear me
Felt me holding you
Understand I was in love
With every being of mine
This photograph
Has all the love kept in it
It is everything I have of you
I have pushed myself aside
Trying to think I could have talked to you
Only one photograph
One photograph
I will hold for eternity

BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY

GRIEF

I don’t know where to start
Caged for so long in thoughts of loneliness
My redemption song
Refusing to leave my lungs
Chained by a bottomless pit
Of memories that should have been
Broken in a need for freedom
I will not wipe away my tears
I shall not hide my heavy sobs
I cannot run away from my heaves
I know big girls don’t cry
Loosing you made me a little girl
A little girl that needs
Arms wrapped around her heart
I don’t know where to end
Chained for so many months
My freedom song
Refusing to leave my vocal cords
Caged by an endless hollow
Of memories that I wanted to have
Big girls don’t cry
But not this one
Who has lost a child

WISH YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME MOTHER

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Mother

Mom

Mama

Words so powerful

Heavy with emotion

Glue to every strength

A force that holds hearts

I should have been that

For you my child

I wanted to be everything and more

I wanted to be yours

Your mother

Wish you could have

Called me mother

Eight months

Was all you had

In mommy’s tummy

Every moment

I knew who you were

Every kick

I knew where you were

Every heart beat

I knew what you were

Wish you could have

Called me

Mother

Mom

Mama

 

WHERE CAN I LAY

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I lost the will to live
When I lost my baby
Now my heart
It feels like an empty shell
A hollow broken mass
I have no song anymore
Sounds feel like screeching feet
I want to scream aloud
Yet no words are enough
To describe the pain i live with
The pain I inhale
The pain I exhale
What is there to live for
After my baby died
Where can I lay my broken soul
Where can I lay my tired body
Where can I lay my decaying mind
I have nothing
But empty thoughts
Empty empty arms
Where is my child
To heal all the hurt
And unbreak
This already shattered heart of mine

I’M LOOSING MY FIGHT SONG

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I don’t have a lot of fight
Left in me
I feel bottomless
This hollow feeling
Will not leave me be
I am tired of fighting
Fighting demons
Of yester regrets, pain
A lot of pain
Created by the loss of you
My unborn, my Nathan
I feel a heaviness
Words cannot be poured enough
Silence is become louder
Mornings dreaded
Nights welcomed
Because I get to lay down
My emotions of loss
Sleep gives me a kind hope
Hope that my mind will rest
I don’t have
A lot of fight left in me
I can’t fight anymore
I cannot run from myself
Darkness is all I wish for
So my secret tears
Will not be seen
I feel weightless
Like I have nothing left
I miss you my son
It seems deragatory
To even think of not missing you
Are you dancing with Angels
Perhaps you can invite me
I don’t
Have a lot of fight
Left in me

TAKE

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Take me home. She said. I want to stay with my son. Take me home.