BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY

GRIEF

I don’t know where to start
Caged for so long in thoughts of loneliness
My redemption song
Refusing to leave my lungs
Chained by a bottomless pit
Of memories that should have been
Broken in a need for freedom
I will not wipe away my tears
I shall not hide my heavy sobs
I cannot run away from my heaves
I know big girls don’t cry
Loosing you made me a little girl
A little girl that needs
Arms wrapped around her heart
I don’t know where to end
Chained for so many months
My freedom song
Refusing to leave my vocal cords
Caged by an endless hollow
Of memories that I wanted to have
Big girls don’t cry
But not this one
Who has lost a child

I HAVE TO CLEAN MY FACE

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Walk out that door

Carrying baggage, heaviness

Yet I have to smile

So no one knows my psyche already gave up

My shadow even resents me

Because I am nothing but a shell

Hollow hollow darkened shell

I have to wash my face

Walk out that door

Like I was never crying

My soul out of its chest

Nobody should see these tears

They should not know

How my h I am breaking down

Falling apart to my knees

With pain I cannot fathom

Why do you have me here

I keep asking my maker

I want to let go

Just so I don’t have to cry

One more grey tear

I have to wipe my face

Walk out that door

Like my mind was never aching

My body screaming

Because pain is more than physical

Should I

Wash, wipe or clean my face

Before I walk out that door

DEPRESSION

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i still keep wondering why am here. they are totally tired of me. i know. i feel it. and i hate it.

i still keep thinking why should i be here. they are completely fed up with me. i understand. i sense it. and i loathe it.

i still keep asking why was i here. they are completely done with me. i expect it. i know it. and i hurt it.

WHERE CAN I LAY

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I lost the will to live
When I lost my baby
Now my heart
It feels like an empty shell
A hollow broken mass
I have no song anymore
Sounds feel like screeching feet
I want to scream aloud
Yet no words are enough
To describe the pain i live with
The pain I inhale
The pain I exhale
What is there to live for
After my baby died
Where can I lay my broken soul
Where can I lay my tired body
Where can I lay my decaying mind
I have nothing
But empty thoughts
Empty empty arms
Where is my child
To heal all the hurt
And unbreak
This already shattered heart of mine

CRADLE TO GRAVE

Rocking-cradle-made-from-two-chairs

He was born
Yet his time had not come
Such a young life
Taken so brutally
Only few months
Until he was to take his first breath
Until he was to make his first cry
How life is so frail
An abundance of innocence
Inside a soul that was too raw
His story
From cradle to grave
Was short-lived
He had not even began one chapter
Yet his last chapter was already spelt
Unwritten memories
Were all he left
Unsaid words
Were all he had not
Unheard laughter
Were all that echoed
Promises of eternal love
Promises of forever bliss
Broken
Amidst his cradle to grave story
His life
So short lived
Yet forever changed my own
A forever memory
Etched deep inside my consciousness
I will hold you
When nobody else could
His cradle to grave story
Mine to relive
Until our hearts be mended again

CAPTURED GRIEF

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You never see it
It never speaks
It knows no religion
It confirms no presence
Yet it has such a grip on the soul
Captured grief

It gives no damn
It gives no room to breath
It gives no space to swallow
It gives no warmth
Yet it has such a hold on the heart
Captured grief

It takes no break
It takes no silence
It takes no explanations
It takes no confirmations
Yet it has such a hold on the mind
Captured grief

You can never learn it
You can never throw it
You can never handle it
You van never win it over
Yet it has such pain on the body
Captured grief

WHY

why

Why them
And not me
Why her
And not me
Why me
And not them
Why me
And not her