FROZEN

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Running from myself
Yet I am frozen in this moment
Unmoving
Unfeeling
Unnerving
Feelings of where are you
Missing you
Where else can I go
I am chasing you
Unfolding
Unfailing
Unearthing
Moments of where you are
Unfrozen
Is what I want to be

7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…

I MISS BEING PREGNANT

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I keep thinking
You’d be 5 months today
I keep wondering
You’d be smiling today
I keep feeling
When is the pain going away

I miss you in my belly
I miss your kicks in my womb
I miss your stretch in my skin
I miss our hearts beating together
I miss everything
I miss your presence
My belly was Tailored for you
I miss being pregnant

PINK DREAMS

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I dreamt of nights together
When you would be born
And be part of my daydreams
I never imagined
I would be sitting here
Having pink dreams
Dreams filled with wishes
Dreams filled with unbowed hope
That you were somehow real
Dreams filled with butterflies
That fall from the sky
Because wings are wreaked by sadness
Pink dreams fill my waking days
When I can only imagine
How you would feel in my embrace
You were a blue dream
My blue dream
That I would have wished
To come true

THE BAND PERRY – IF I DIE YOUNG

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song,
Uh oh, Uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and, life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even grey, but sheburies her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Oh well, I’ve had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Oh well, I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
As green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Oh well, I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best, boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing
Funny, when you’re dead how people start listen’n

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn’
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you’re really gonna need them,
The sharp knife of a short life oh
Well, I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys
And I’ll wear my pearls

GRIEF LIFE

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No parent
Should have to live
With the pain
Of losing a child
Its a Lifestyle
Or is it
Just a heartache
Waiting to explode

FOR A THOUSAND YEARS

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To God
A day is like
A thousand years
A thousand years
Like a day

I know for the next
A thousand years
You will still remain a part of me
All the few memories
I was allowed to have
Will be neatly inscribed
Into my saddened heart

A thousand years
To come
I will still
Remember your presence in my womb
I will still know
That I loved you without reserve
That I waited for you without impatience
Or doubt

More than
A thousand years
Will pass
Still I will know you are my first
My first love
My first child
My first miracle
My first son
My first unimmesurable love

For
A thousand years
I will wait for you
Love you
Until you are in my arms again
In Heaven where you are