SADNESS LIVES HERE

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Sadness has stalked me
Sadness has made me
Sadness has curled me
Sadness has injured me
Sadness has broken me
Yet it still lives here, sadness

Stalked me into sadness
Made me into sadness
Curled me into sadness
Injured me into sadness
Broken me into sadness
Sadness, yet it still lives here

I have nowhere to run or hide
Nowhere to rest my tired heart
How long has it been
That I allowed sadness in
Encroaching in my sanity
I have felt that heaviness
Understood
That sadness
Lives here

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FRACTURED FAITH

Christianity Sorrow Forgiveness Sadness Sad People

I have not been on my knees
I have not said the grace
I have not closed my eyes
I have not whispered
My heart has not sang
My lips have not prayed
My mind has not remembered
My soul refuses to listen
My faith has been fractured
By your loss
I will get back on my knees
I will say the grace again
I will close my eyes once more
I will whisper still
My heart will sing
My lips shall pray
My mind will remember
My soul shall listen
My fractured faith will strengthen
By your Grace Lord

LETTER

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Dear me,
It’s time to think… to hear my thoughts. To pause. To realize… I have been unhappy for so long that, I thought that is what a little bit of happiness looked like. I let loneliness define who I loved and gave myself to. I forgot how to laugh. I let go of my will to think that I deserved the world, that I deserved everything… loosing a child changes you. I am not the same person I was. I may seem the same. I may laugh. I may talk. I may eat. I may wake up in the morning. But inside. Inside my heart is on its knees grovelling with pain. I did not plan my pain. I did not choose it. So I argued with God. I almost hated Him. Why. Three letters I never knew I could use so much… It’s time for a purge. Purge the things and people that don’t want me in their lives anymore. I have been chasing you long enough. So I stop. And love me first. Heal. Feel something again. I have to learn who I am now that part of me left when I buried him… it’s time for a purge. Purge everything and everyone that does not make sense to me anymore…
signed,
Me

EIGHT MONTHS

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You were gone in a second
Yet existed inside my womb
Eight months I felt you alive
Eight months I knew you were real
Eight months I had planned for you
Eight months I waited to see you
I wish I had held you longer

You disappeared in a minute
Yet existed in my heart
Eight months I felt your heart beat
Eight months I felt your foot kick
Eight months I felt your turns
Eight months I felt your hiccup
I wish I had felt you longer

You went away in an hour
Yet existed inside my mind
Eight months I spoke to you
Eight months I sang for you
Eight months I read to you
Eight months I laughed with you
I wish I had talked to you longer

You slept forever in a day
Yet existed not in my arms
Eight months I could have loved
Eight months I would have named
Eight months I should have had you
Eight months I will not have with you
I wish I could hold you longer

THIS PAIN

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I have so much pain
That I don’t
Know what to do with it

SURVIVE

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I will Survive
Through my pain
So tomorrow
I will wake up
With a sense of being present
For now I am lost in oblivion
Disturbed by saddest days
Yet I know
I will survive
Through my pain
So tomorrow
I will get up
With a sense of being alive
For now I am faint in obstinence
Disturbed by hurting days
Yet I know
I will survive
Through my pain
So tomorrow
I will sit up
With a sense of being okay
For now I am stooped in darkness
Disturbed by breaking days
Yet I know
I will survive
Through my pain
So tomorrow
I will rise up
With a sense of being calm
For now I am cropped in heart aches
Disturbed by solitary days
Yet I know
I will survive
Through my pain
So tomorrow
I will heal up completely

THIS IS MY PAIN

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Stop trivializing my pain
Stop making it normal
I cannot share it
I cannot give it away
This is my pain
I need to live with it
Until it no longer
Sucks the life out of me
Just breathe baby
Just breathe