I AM DETERIORATING

palpitation

Even though it does not show
My heart is shrivelling
It is shrinking in size
All the blood vessels are drying up
Veins are losing life
I am deteriorating
Your loss is making my heart disappear

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HEART BEAT I NEVER GOT TO HEAR

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It hit me
I will never know what color your eyes were
I will never know what your voice would sound like
I will never know how soft your feet would feel
I will never know what your tears would look like
I will never know how your sleep breathe would feel like
I will never know how our bond would be
I will never know how to walk you to school everyday
Still my child
Without you
I would never have known the beauty of life
If you never existed
Even for a second, a minute
You will never be replaced
As you were my little miracle

I will never know your heartbeat out of my womb
I will never know what your tantrums would be like
I will never know what your fingernails would look like
I will never know your soft lips on my breasts
I will never know your beautiful yawn as you fall asleep
I will never know your fears in nightmares you would have
Still my child
I would never have known the beauty of life
If you never existed
Even for a second, a minute
You will never be replaced
As you were my little miracle

You had
A heartbeat I never got to hear
A cry I never got to soothe
A hunger I never got to satiate
A thirst I never got to quench
A love I never got to satisfy
Though you lay still I Label you
My little miracle

THERE IS NO HEART BEAT

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Those words still haunt me
Words my mind yearns to forget
My heart needs to erase
My soul collapsed when those words were uttered
Life quickly ebbed out of me
My breath stuck in my throat
Such pain I have never known before
What happened
Why did it happen
When did it happen
Questions exploded in my mind
My heart beat was silent
Quiet moment of contemplation
Do I want to still beat again
When my other heart is none existent
How can so much love exist in a heart
Then be taken away
Take me home please

GOD FILTER MY THOUGHTS 3

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Oh Lord filter my thoughts
Loneliness is eating at me
I want to scream
This sense of loss
Created by his passing
It’s making me insane
All I think are
Regrets
Guilt
Denials
I have so much unforgiveness
Inside my heart
I wonder
Should I
Have done more
Done less
Hoped often
Prayed even more
Answers I seek
With no questions to ask myself
Filter my thoughts

WE CAN’T FEEL THE HEARTBEAT

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That moment
I couldn’t breath
Let mine stop too
I want out
I died a little
It should have been me

LOVE CRADLED IN MY ARMS

grief-angel

You were part of my being

Blood Vessels to blood vessels

Artery to Artery

Clean Heartbeat to heartbeat

Skin to skin

You were built from every part of me

Created to be me personified

Loved beyond any measure

Your love was cradled in my arms

You were every bit of me

Your hands were to touch mine

Your feet were to feel my bosom

Your eyes were to look at mine

Your nose was to breath near me

Your voice was to sooth my night

In my arms your love was cradled

I think to myself

Wondering who you would take after

Who’s voice would sooth your cry

Who will wake me up at night

Who will hear your sniffles

You are in Heaven now

I can only hear voices of the Angel you would have been

Beauty created not for this earth

Magnificence personified

Your love was cradled in my arms