YOU SLIP THROUGH MY THOUGHTS

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Every night I dream
Every night I fantasize
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Everday I awake
Everyday I think
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every moment I wonder
Every moment I tell myself
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts
Every morning I imagine
Every morning I allow
That you’re always with me
When you slip through my thoughts

To be eight months old
In my arms holding tight
Kissing your little face
Cooing you to sleep

Everytime you slip through my thoughts
I want your presence with me
You got me, you got my heart
A beautiful song I could have sang for you
Such purity you exude
Lyrics of my soul stand out
I want to photograph your memory
Everytime you slip through my thoughts

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FROZEN

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Running from myself
Yet I am frozen in this moment
Unmoving
Unfeeling
Unnerving
Feelings of where are you
Missing you
Where else can I go
I am chasing you
Unfolding
Unfailing
Unearthing
Moments of where you are
Unfrozen
Is what I want to be

OVER THE FENCE

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Over the fence
Lies a blurry image of you
Who you were
When you came into this world
Who you were
When you left this world
I want to reach over
Touch what your memory has left
Over the fence

7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…

DREAMLESS MEDDLE

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Memories Meddled in my dreams
Thoughts of you haunt me
Your tiny fingers
Your little toes
Your miniature nose
All I never got to play with
I will never know the joy of embracing you
Or kissing your cheek goodnight
My memories are muddled with regret
Closely huddled by anger
Nightly cradled in nightmares
Hurt is meddling with my dreams
Dreams of a future I hoped for
For such is my deep pain
Pain that cannot be erased
Erased so that healing can begin
Begin from this point of wishes
Wishes that come undone
It’s a restless meddle

I DON’T HAVE MY BABY’S LAUGHTER

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My baby Azariah’s laughter
Blossoming in my heart
Only to be revealed in my dreams

RAEANNE FREDRICKSON QUOTE

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Having a baby unlocks a Love your heart never knew was missing.

Having a ba baby die unlocks a pain your soul never imagined possible.

RaeAnne Fredrickson