DEPRESSION

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i still keep wondering why am here. they are totally tired of me. i know. i feel it. and i hate it.

i still keep thinking why should i be here. they are completely fed up with me. i understand. i sense it. and i loathe it.

i still keep asking why was i here. they are completely done with me. i expect it. i know it. and i hurt it.

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I’M LOOSING MY FIGHT SONG

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I don’t have a lot of fight
Left in me
I feel bottomless
This hollow feeling
Will not leave me be
I am tired of fighting
Fighting demons
Of yester regrets, pain
A lot of pain
Created by the loss of you
My unborn, my Nathan
I feel a heaviness
Words cannot be poured enough
Silence is become louder
Mornings dreaded
Nights welcomed
Because I get to lay down
My emotions of loss
Sleep gives me a kind hope
Hope that my mind will rest
I don’t have
A lot of fight left in me
I can’t fight anymore
I cannot run from myself
Darkness is all I wish for
So my secret tears
Will not be seen
I feel weightless
Like I have nothing left
I miss you my son
It seems deragatory
To even think of not missing you
Are you dancing with Angels
Perhaps you can invite me
I don’t
Have a lot of fight
Left in me

DEAR NATHAN

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Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.

FROZEN

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Running from myself
Yet I am frozen in this moment
Unmoving
Unfeeling
Unnerving
Feelings of where are you
Missing you
Where else can I go
I am chasing you
Unfolding
Unfailing
Unearthing
Moments of where you are
Unfrozen
Is what I want to be

WELLNESS

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Hesitant to allow myself to live
Uncertain that the pain will stop
Unsteadily I cling to memories
Cautious of falling tears that drip
A few Tentative runs
Into the well of wellness
Yet halting without cause
Timid in my thoughts
Faltering in the way I walk away
Shaky grounds threatens
Unsure if I should walk again
Towards wholeness

OVER THE FENCE

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Over the fence
Lies a blurry image of you
Who you were
When you came into this world
Who you were
When you left this world
I want to reach over
Touch what your memory has left
Over the fence

LETTER

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Dear me,
It’s time to think… to hear my thoughts. To pause. To realize… I have been unhappy for so long that, I thought that is what a little bit of happiness looked like. I let loneliness define who I loved and gave myself to. I forgot how to laugh. I let go of my will to think that I deserved the world, that I deserved everything… loosing a child changes you. I am not the same person I was. I may seem the same. I may laugh. I may talk. I may eat. I may wake up in the morning. But inside. Inside my heart is on its knees grovelling with pain. I did not plan my pain. I did not choose it. So I argued with God. I almost hated Him. Why. Three letters I never knew I could use so much… It’s time for a purge. Purge the things and people that don’t want me in their lives anymore. I have been chasing you long enough. So I stop. And love me first. Heal. Feel something again. I have to learn who I am now that part of me left when I buried him… it’s time for a purge. Purge everything and everyone that does not make sense to me anymore…
signed,
Me