ONE OF THOSE DAYS

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Today has just been one of those days I hate. I just feel so out of place like I dont belong here. It’s my birthday month, yet I don’t really feel like celebrating. What would I be celebrating? I lost the only thing that made sense in my life. How could such a thing happen to me? I still question the sanctity of life, how is one life more important than another? I know I wont get answers yet I still ask. How now? I feel like giving up.

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DIARY ENTRY: DAY 6 MEMOIRS

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This is my Diary entry for June 17th 2016. I had started documenting this motherhood journey being a first time mom you have all these questions, emotions and feelings that can sometimes overwhelm. For me writing is my way of lightening the load from my heart. Whenever I can muster the courage of going down memory lane, I will be picking random diary entries to share with you. Not all of them. So. Walk with me and hold my hand as I do this…

Friday June 17, 2016
Hey Babyeyes,

It’s Day 6 since I found out you are here and I feel…NOTHING! Maybe I guess it’s coz I haven’t really thought about you that much. Is it a good thing or am I just trying to cope. Emotionally I think I am sound and a bit calm. Though I have momentary lapses of insanity, in a good way though.

I think the morning sickness business is trying to knock at my door. I read that 80 percent of expectant women experience morning sickness. Ranging from mild to severe like the one that Kate Middleton had in her first pregnancy. You know I was hoping that I’d skip this whole puking thing. Maybe I’ll not be that lucky. I’m already feeling it set in. I have just cooked my usual tea and bread yet it’s refusing to go down. I’m so hungry, I guess you are too, yet the food is just bleugh! bleugh!

I’m feeling the nausea so strong, trying to ignore it but my upper tummy is really trying my patience. My sense of smell has become so high I can actually smell the neighbour’s breakfast, they’re cooking eggs or French Toast. Probably that’s what is making my tummy turn. I’m already getting to the place where I’ll start hating food and I don’t like it at all, why should I hate what I love and love what I have always hated?

Honestly babyeyes why do you have to change my whole palate when you should just accept what I love and just cooperate with me throughout this period? What cooking oil are they using, seriously?

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m not afraid. I’m not anxious. I’m not anticipating. I’m not regretful. I’m not freaking. I’m not angry. I’m just…NOTHING. It feels like I am just floating in this reality-non-reality quagmire. To put it plainly, I’m just there. What do I want really? I want not to feel like this, to just be normal again without my stomach churning and turning trying to dump the contents that are not really there.

Emotionally I am kind of fine but physically I just want to cry myself till I have nothing in me. This nausea is just giving me the worst days of my life and I’m just starting this journey. Who said motherhood was easy?

I don’t know what is up with you today. You’re really bitting my stomach painfully, or is it tugging? Maybe you’re just hungry but it’s your fault, you don’t want to eat my breakfast, if I can’t eat how are you supposed to not be hungry? Please just take whatever it is that I have coz I don’t know what you want. Seems everything you are beginning to dislike so what do I do with you?

Let’s just make a truce that you will allow me to eat whatever I want just so you don’t torture my stomach with hunger pains, no? Gosh! what is that cooking oil they’re using! It’s now getting to me hard. I hate it! I do hope today gets better no?

Mamaloves