DEAR LITTLE ONE

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You see that sun shinning
You see that moon shying away
You see those clouds gather together
You see that rain fall on the roof
You see those stars form Orion
You see the wind bend down trees
Everything reminds me of you
Every month I held you inside my womb
You saw everything I saw

You smell that morning dew
You smell those blooming roses
You smell fresh rain fall on dry soil
You smell fire burning wood
You smell dry wind filled with dusty particles
You smell chocolate icecream
Every smell reminds me of you
Everyday I hosted you inside my womb
You smelt everything I smelt

You hear birds chirp on a tree
You hear thunder bringing in rain
You hear classic music from the radio
You hear rain fall on the roof
You hear cars in traffic
You hear my voice speak loud
Every sound reminds me of you
Every second I kept you inside my womb
You heard everything I heard

Dear little one
I remember you
In everything
I see I smell I hear

I WRITE MY GRIEF

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I cannot speak of it yet
Words cannot come out yet
Feelings cannot be spoken of yet
Emotions cannot be let out yet
Explanations cannot be said yet
Conversation cannot be uttered yet
Thoughts cannot be revealed yet
Sentences cannot be formed yet

I cannot speak of it yet
So I will write my grief

Words cannot fill my heart
Feelings cannot seal my mind
Emotions cannot cover the hurt
Explanations cannot end aching
Conversation cannot sweep pain
Thoughts cannot remove memories
Sentences cannot finish tears

I cannot speak of it yet
So I will write my grief

Words cannot bring him back
Feelings cannot put him in my arms
Emotions cannot make him cry
Explanations cannot return his being
Conversation cannot create him
Thoughts cannot recreate his life
Sentences cannot send him back

I cannot speak of it yet
So I will write my grief

Words cannot comfort me now
Feelings cannot soothe me now
Emotions cannot console me now
Explanations cannot heal me now
Conversation cannot hold me now
Thoughts cannot speak to me now
Sentences cannot encourage me now

I cannot speak of it yet
So I will write my grief

Words are all I have
Feelings are what I got
Emotions are how I feel
Explanations are what I lost
Conversations are how I stop
Thoughts are where I lie
Sentences are when I write

I cannot speak of it yet
So I will write my grief

HAPPY VALENTINES BABY

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Happy Valentines Baby
I wanted to spend the day with you
I feel it is too soon to step outside
That cold hard wind on my face
Stepping on the place you lie for eternity
I trembled wondering
Would I be able to stand still
Or stand at all
When I know you are so near
Yet so far from me
A million feet under
A million miles separate us
It’s still raw
Would I be able to stare at your grave
Without wanting to claw away the sand
With my bare fingers
Until I can reach you
Unimaginable
Yet my mind feels possible
Because you left too soon
Happy Valentines Day my baby
This was your month
Your month to be born
Your month of love
A month filled with Expectations
Expectations of your presence
My heart yearns for that love
Love of a mother to her son
Love of a son to his mother
I know
You would have been too small
To understand today
Yet I would have kissed your tiny cheeks
A million times over
Just to wish you a happy Valentines
So much I had waited for
So much I craved for
Many more Valentines will come
Yet this one… 2017
Will forever haunt me

SPEAKING TO AN EMPTY CRADLE

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I lean into your cream crib
I smell in the scent of new clothing
The fresh coat of paint on the wooden crib
It’s cold outside
I can hear the soft breeze of the wind
Yet I hear your soft breaths
That should have been coming from the cream crib
Your cream crib is empty
Your linen covers unscrumbled
Your tiny duvet uncreased
I dream of a Lush place
Green grass
With butterflies hovering
Around your tiny nose
Trying to reach with your tiny fingers
Our first picnic
Our first outdoor
Now only a dream in the distant
Should I keep your crib
Should I give it away
Here I am
Standing over your space
Speaking to an empty cradle
A cradle that cannot speak back
Staring into your empty cream crib
Like my sanity has left me

EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME

 

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Who knows how a seed turns into a shoot
A shoot grows into a tree
A tree grows to bear fruit
A fruit brings forth seed
A seed dies in the ground turning into a shoot
A shoot…
Life cycle begins again
Who knows this cycle
Except You Master Creator of all things
Seasons we wait upon
Rain to fall on a new crop
Flowers to bloom in spring
Nothing moves faster or slower
Than how You intend it to
Everything is made beautiful in its time

Who knows how a seed turns into a tiny human
Nine months hidden in darkness
Breathing
Growing
Playing
Yawning
Swallowing
Who forms tiny bones, skin
Who sculpts tiny fingers, toes
Who paints tiny eyes, nose, lips
Who draws tiny fingerprints
Except You Master Creator of all things

Everything is made beautiful in its time
Who knows how a tiny drop of rainfall
Splatters to the earth in millions of droplets
Quenching the thirsty ground in splendour
Who knows how a cactus survives in the desert
Amidst scorching heat from the sun
Beautiful flowers bloom even in winter
Beauty surrounds our conscious minds
Nobody knows
Times and seasons
Except You Master Creator of all things
You know every inch of life’s journey
You created by Your Hands
God of thunder, yet God of immense love

The wonders of a child in the womb
How you protect
How you feed
How you build
How you give life
How you provide
Only the master of Creation knows
Everything becomes beautiful in its time

You Master of Creation
Makes everything beautiful
In its time

LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD

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Dear Little One
I feel you move inside my belly
A smile slithers across my face
I know you are more than a reality
No longer just a faraway dream
See, you are now part of me
Ingrained into every blood vessel
Almost painted into my very soul
Your tiny little heart beats
Rhyming with my big heart
Like Drums beats under the African sunset
I imagine a time I was alone
Now I feel I am no longer alone

Your presence makes it worthwhile
Your realism makes it truthful
Your existence makes it worth it

Dear Little One
I know I get scared sometimes
I feel unworthy of hosting you in my womb
Even regretful that I may not be enough
So many emotions
Have defined your presence in my life
Sometimes unsure if you accept me
I know it feels right
Perfect even
That I am acquainted with you
Our bond is bigger than the universe
You give me hope
That there is beauty in this life
Somehow sunrises seem more magical
The tears I cried feel more meaningful
Even the laughter becomes more precious
See, how you are me personified

Your being makes it wonderful
Your creation makes it insightful
Your growing makes it eventful

Dear Little One
As you peek into this world, cruel at times
Know I will protect you to death
I will love you
With as much love as my heart can muster
I will embrace you
With as much warmth as my skin can withstand
I will kiss you
With lips that will leave a mark on your cheeks
I will cover you
With all the shelter my hands will find
I will discipline you
With all the love that exists in my being
I will hold you
With as much strength as my embrace allows

Dear Little One
I await your arrival with bated breath
How do you look like dear one
I picture your little toes wiggling
Tiny fingers curling around my finger
Little nose twitching from the cold
That curled mouth readying to cry
Soft silky skin trembling with goosebumps
Every bit of you I picture in my heart

I feel
Senseless
Restless
Elated
Inspired
Afraid
Yet filled with unexplained expectations

The world may not be perfect Little One
You are my perfect world
Perfected for an imperfect me

Dear Little One
This is my Letter to you
Mommy loves you
Mommy is already proud of you
Mommy is happy
Mommy need you
Little One