WHY

why

Why them
And not me
Why her
And not me
Why me
And not them
Why me
And not her

A NOTORIOUS ACHE

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Nothing is ever the same
Nothing has ever been the same
Everything is ever changing
Everything has ever changed
I feel
A notorious ache
In my heart

Something is ever gone
Something has ever been going
One thing is ever remaining
One thing has ever remained
I feel
A notorious ache
In my mind

Loosing you my baby
Feels like
A notorious ache
That will not go away
From my brokenness within
This Notorious ache
In my heart
In my mind
Refuses to let me be

Z CLARK COATES QUOTE

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“Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold. Never hungry. Never alone. And importantly always knew Love…”

 Z Clarke Coates

I HAVE LOST

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I have lost faith in myself
I have grown such a fear
Fear of rejection
When you left
Baby when you left
A hole emerged
From the place you said goodbye
What if, I ask
What now, I wonder
How will my pain evolve
Will it break me
Will I be shattered by it

I have already lost faith in myself
I have grown such a dread
Dread of dejection
After you left
Baby after you left
A hollowness emerged
From the place I said goodbye
Where to, I ask
Where now, I wonder
How will my hurt revolve
Will it hurt me
Will I be destroyed by it

I just want to cry
I feel I should cry
So that I stop being afraid
Or being filled with dread
You have left me with only memories
It feels like bricks being thrown at me
Because I have lost
Faith in myself, this Perfumed world

EMOTIONAL BURNOUT

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My emotions are burnt out. Smoking in desolation. I have let the pain in. It refuses to let go. I’m not doing fine.

SUNLESS GARDEN IN MY HEART

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Life will not cease being amazing
Though you have left me here
I am not alone anywhere
Your memories keep me alive
The little memory of you
Holds on so tight in my heart
My soul rejoices
Because you were put inside me
You grew and became strong
Inside my frail humanity
I was trusted to care for you
Until your time to peek at the world came
I protected you as much as I could
Loved you instantly
Without any reserve or conditions or Denial

Life will not cease being beautiful
Though I have cried for you child
I know you cry for me too
For the moments we could have shared
Each laughter we would have adorned
For every kiss I would have given you
All the embraces I should have partook
You held them back in your heart

I know your heart and mine
Are ever present in each other’s subconcious
I know you know me as your mother
You loved me too maybe more than I could
Your tiny embrace you would give
Your presence baby
Is never gone from me
Even as my heart feels like a sunless garden

WORDLESS

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I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…