EIGHT MONTHS

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You were gone in a second
Yet existed inside my womb
Eight months I felt you alive
Eight months I knew you were real
Eight months I had planned for you
Eight months I waited to see you
I wish I had held you longer

You disappeared in a minute
Yet existed in my heart
Eight months I felt your heart beat
Eight months I felt your foot kick
Eight months I felt your turns
Eight months I felt your hiccup
I wish I had felt you longer

You went away in an hour
Yet existed inside my mind
Eight months I spoke to you
Eight months I sang for you
Eight months I read to you
Eight months I laughed with you
I wish I had talked to you longer

You slept forever in a day
Yet existed not in my arms
Eight months I could have loved
Eight months I would have named
Eight months I should have had you
Eight months I will not have with you
I wish I could hold you longer

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DEAR LITTLE ONE

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You see that sun shinning
You see that moon shying away
You see those clouds gather together
You see that rain fall on the roof
You see those stars form Orion
You see the wind bend down trees
Everything reminds me of you
Every month I held you inside my womb
You saw everything I saw

You smell that morning dew
You smell those blooming roses
You smell fresh rain fall on dry soil
You smell fire burning wood
You smell dry wind filled with dusty particles
You smell chocolate icecream
Every smell reminds me of you
Everyday I hosted you inside my womb
You smelt everything I smelt

You hear birds chirp on a tree
You hear thunder bringing in rain
You hear classic music from the radio
You hear rain fall on the roof
You hear cars in traffic
You hear my voice speak loud
Every sound reminds me of you
Every second I kept you inside my womb
You heard everything I heard

Dear little one
I remember you
In everything
I see I smell I hear

ALLOW ME TO CRY ON PAPER

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She sat next to an abandoned building
Looking at the distant horizon
The sun was just setting in her life
She had lost herself
Immersed in thoughts of frailty
Her sense of direction somehow lost
She knew her life had been
Now it had to begin again
Without her precious soulmate
Her lost child was her soulmate
Pen and paper in hand
She wrote her silent tears
Wanting nothing but her child
Silent sobs escaped her throat
Pausing in moments
Where the cries began to scratch her heart
A lizard scuffles past…
She knows nightfall is approaching
Night that no one knows
When even pen and paper know
She will cry on paper
Through her own words

MY BABY’S TINY FINGERS

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Nathan my boy
My little man
My unborn
I wish to have held your tiny hand
As you held my finger
With your tiny little hands
All your five fingers
Tightly holding my single finger
How strong would you have been
How fast would you have grown
I have cried
Yet it never feels enough
I need your tiny baby fingers
To hold me steady
As I wobble through this life
Without you near
Take me to the place where you are
So I can reach out
And touch your tiny fingers
They were closed tight
When you were born
Not ready for this world
I didn’t get to feel them in my hands
Now I miss them in such a maddening way
It’s unreal you are not here with me
Drive away this loneliness
Eating at my soul
I dream of you little man
My baby’s tiny fingers
Would have been my anchor
My good thing I looked forward to
Everyday
For the rest of my life
Without you
There is no me
Quicken my healing
So I see life in color once again
Your fingers in my hand baby
All I ever wished for

JIGGLE WITH YOU

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I keep thinking that you will come back to me
But you don’t
I keep thinking that you will find me again
But you don’t
I keep thinking you will laugh with me
But you don’t
I keep thinking you will love me again
But you don’t
I keep thinking you will get back to me
But you don’t
I keep thinking that you will Jiggle to our song
But you don’t
What should I think
Why should I think
How should I think
When should I think
Where should I think

BROKEN PIECES OF ME

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I have no more pieces of my broken heart to break
I have no more strength to give my heart away
I have no more tears to fight back from falling
If all pieces are broken
Which piece do I start picking up first
Which parts do I glue together
So they do not fall off again
From the weight of a dead love
I may not love again
Like I loved you
All I feel is this empty space
This hollowness that reminds me you are gone
My heart is an arid land
Devoid of leafy greens
Or blooming flowers
Only dried up barks of trees
A stump that still stands
In the scorching sun
A thump of an empty valley
Cracked clay with zigzag lines
This arid land has no more rainfall to give
This Arid land known as my heart
Has no more broken pieces left

GRIEF IS THERE EVERYWHERE

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Grief is there
When I wake in the morning
You are not there with me
Grief is there
When I go back to sleep
Your side of the bed is empty
Grief is there
When I hear the song I listened to
When I carried you
Grief is there
When I see a pregnant woman
Glowing with excitement
Grief is there
When I see a baby walk
For the first time
Grief is there
When I hear your name called
Someone else’s baby with that name
Grief is there
When my breast aches to feed
Your mouth that never opened
Grief is still there
When I crave a spicy food
Remembering how you loved it
Grief is there
Whenever
However
Whatever
Whichever
Everywhere
Surrounded by its grip
Overwhelmed by its hold
Burdened by its curse
Will grief let me go