SADNESS LIVES HERE

Sadness has stalked me
Sadness has made me
Sadness has curled me
Sadness has injured me
Sadness has broken me
Yet it still lives here, sadness

Stalked me into sadness
Made me into sadness
Curled me into sadness
Injured me into sadness
Broken me into sadness
Sadness, yet it still lives here

I have nowhere to run or hide
Nowhere to rest my tired heart
How long has it been
That I allowed sadness in
Encroaching in my sanity
I have felt that heaviness
Understood
That sadness
Lives here

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TO SLEEP BESIDE YOU ONE LAST TIME

I toss, turn in bed
Wondering what is missing
I realize then baby
Your side of the bed is empty
I wish to have slept beside you
Every day of my life
Curled you inside my arms
Held you close to my bosom
Until you fell asleep
My bed feels bottomless
Without you my baby boy
There is this hollowness I feel
When I stretch my hand
To your side of the bed
Everything ready for your arrival
Yet you did not leave the hospital with me
Your side of the bed
I keep staring
Wondering when is the emptiness going to be filled
When shall I stop searching
For your baby scent
On my waiting arms
On your side of the bed
I wished to sleep beside you
One last time
To remove this aching need for you
Sleep will not come to me
Because you are not there
To hold me back in your tiny arms
So I keep tossing and turning
Knowing you are missing
On your side of the bed

74 DAYS

Its only been seventy four days
Yet it feels like an eternity
An eternity filled with tears
With tears that have refused to dry up
Dry up so I can stop hurting

Seventy four days it has only been
Still it feels like an everlasting
An everlasting filled with pains
With pains that have refused to clear up
Clear up so I can stop burning

Only seventy four days have passed
But it feels like a forever
A forever filled with brokenness
With brokenness that has refused to end up
End up so I can stop mourning

Seventy four days of my life
Drenched in darkest nights
Stamped and delivered to my soul
To my soul that aches for redemption
Time has stood still, too long

If we were having coffee
I’d tell you that
It’s only been seventy four days
Since my boy left this earth
This earth is now empty

Seventy four days
Of nothing but hollowness
I horribly miss you my child
I wish I had those 74 days with you

I WRESTLE WITH MY JEALOUS HEART

My heart is filled with jealousy
Jealousy of a mother
Who has no child in her arms
I keep asking why
Why me
Why was my baby taken away from me
Why was I not given time with him
Why did he not stay
My heart burns with jealousy
Jealousy of a woman
Who has no baby in her hands
I keep wondering why
Why me
Why was my child removed away from me
Why was I not given moments with him
Why did he leave
My heart burns with jealousy
Jealousy of a parent
Who has no son in her embrace
I keep wondering why
Why me
Why was my child carried away from me
Why was I not given space with him
Why did he disappear

I wrestle with my jealous heart
Wondering when I will heal
When your memory baby
Will not abrasively hurt my heart
When will seeing a mother with child
Not make me so angry at the world
Or angry at her
For having her own child
When will these jealous emotions not be so aggresive
When child, when

GRIEVING FATHER

Poem Author Unknown

SPEAK OUT

About your grief
The pain you will tell no one
The tears you will let no one see
The heartache you will not speak of
The laughter you have not been able to feel
Speak out
About your grieving
The hopelessness you will not share
The regrets you will not expose
The sorrows you will not let spill
The heartbreak you will not announce
Speak out
About your mourning
The anger you will not show anyone
The hatred you will not let them find
The fear you will not bring forth
The blame you will not give out
Speak out
About your crying
The loss you feel in your heart
The disappointment you harbour in your soul
The temper you reserve for your mind
The expectations you let go of in your body
Just speak out
About your
Grief
Grieving
Mourning
Crying
Even if no one listens
I will listen
When you Speak Out

SENSELESS EMOTIONS DROWN ME

It feels so hard just sitting here feeling like a failure. Why doesn’t my fortune change, why are there obstacles upon obstacles in my life? Baby, I realize now that you are in a better place. Away from all the hurts, pains, disappointments, and fears. I wish you would have taken me away with you. Now I wouldn’t be drowning in this loneliness, sorrow, heart break and pain. I feel jealous you are happy in Heaven, I on the other hand am not okay baby. I am drowning in my own sorrows that have refused to let me go. Clutching at my throat, especially my heart, so bad it hurts terrribly.

I wonder how you are up there. I know your Father is taking good care of you. I wish I had the chance to take care of you. Love you. Feed you. Clothe you. Sing for you. Play with you. Sleep next to you. I wish all that baby… and so much more…

I will not cry anymore. That is a lie my heart will not accept. Tears well in my eyes writing this. Then they drop. Because it is so unreal, yet so real at the same time. Where do I go from here… after I am healed, then what baby? Will I even heal? Maybe I don’t want to heal. So that your pain in my heart can remind me you really were present in my life. For a second. And then you were gone. Gone from me. Gone from my hands, and gone forever… I Hesitate for a moment, but then tears still fall… again…