LOVE KEPT IN A PHOTOGRAPH

MY-BABY

I could have held you
I could have loved you
I could have protected you
I could have taught you
I could have scolded you
I could have bathed you
I could have fed you
I could have kissed you
I could have
I should have
You
Wrapped in a white cotton shawl
Woolen baby cap on your head
Eyes tightly shut
Is that a smile I see
Am I dreaming
To imagine you could still hear me
Felt me holding you
Understand I was in love
With every being of mine
This photograph
Has all the love kept in it
It is everything I have of you
I have pushed myself aside
Trying to think I could have talked to you
Only one photograph
One photograph
I will hold for eternity

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BOY

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It’s hard to think
That I don’t have you
This Christmas
Our first christmas
You should have been
In my arms
I should have
Been singing for you gingle bells
I would have
Decorated
The Christmas tree with you
I should have
Baked
Gingerbread cookies with you
Merry Christmas my boy

All I want for Christmas
Is you in my arms
To hold and never let go
To create memories with you
On our first Christmas
Wish you were here with me
Wanted so much for us
The whole world
Should
Have been yours my boy
You would have been
A Joy to the world
Mostly joy to me
Merry Christmas my boy

To many more Christmases
That I will have
You will always be
The best gift I could have had
Merry Christmas my boy
Merry Christmas Nathan

DEAR NATHAN

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Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.

THE GHOST OF ME

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What you see now
Is the ghost of me
The shell that has remained
The skeletons that be
The naked flames dying
This is me
A broken heart
Triggered by moments
When I see them holding tiny hands
While my hands were left empty
When you said goodbye
I saw misery
I see misery
Will time create a mirage of peace
Will distance
Help me forget
This is the ghost of me
What has been left
When my womb emptied you
In sick sadness
It hang low
Knowing
It could not give you life
Anymore
Feeling like it failed you
The ghost of me haunts my nights
Hovering over a darkened smile
Unable to feel emotions
Only numbness
Lots and lost regrets
It should have been wonderful
You should have been wonderful
In my arms
On my breast
Over my shoulder
Under my fingers
On top of my laps
It should have been me and you
You and me it should have been
Now this ghost of me
Runs wild in my bewildered dreams
Reigning inside my empty mind
Most days I feel nothing
Because emptiness has resided
Where your heart should have been
Next to mine
Where it is now
Is a hollow space stuck between centuries
My son
Mama needs you
To take away
The ghost of me

7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…

LETTER

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Dear me,
It’s time to think… to hear my thoughts. To pause. To realize… I have been unhappy for so long that, I thought that is what a little bit of happiness looked like. I let loneliness define who I loved and gave myself to. I forgot how to laugh. I let go of my will to think that I deserved the world, that I deserved everything… loosing a child changes you. I am not the same person I was. I may seem the same. I may laugh. I may talk. I may eat. I may wake up in the morning. But inside. Inside my heart is on its knees grovelling with pain. I did not plan my pain. I did not choose it. So I argued with God. I almost hated Him. Why. Three letters I never knew I could use so much… It’s time for a purge. Purge the things and people that don’t want me in their lives anymore. I have been chasing you long enough. So I stop. And love me first. Heal. Feel something again. I have to learn who I am now that part of me left when I buried him… it’s time for a purge. Purge everything and everyone that does not make sense to me anymore…
signed,
Me

EIGHT MONTHS

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You were gone in a second
Yet existed inside my womb
Eight months I felt you alive
Eight months I knew you were real
Eight months I had planned for you
Eight months I waited to see you
I wish I had held you longer

You disappeared in a minute
Yet existed in my heart
Eight months I felt your heart beat
Eight months I felt your foot kick
Eight months I felt your turns
Eight months I felt your hiccup
I wish I had felt you longer

You went away in an hour
Yet existed inside my mind
Eight months I spoke to you
Eight months I sang for you
Eight months I read to you
Eight months I laughed with you
I wish I had talked to you longer

You slept forever in a day
Yet existed not in my arms
Eight months I could have loved
Eight months I would have named
Eight months I should have had you
Eight months I will not have with you
I wish I could hold you longer