I OWN ALL OF MY TEARS

never

Drunken in deep depression

My will just about giving out

A perfect facade

Of a loss I cannot get over

Take me home father

Let this world not know me anymore

I cannot seem to stop

All these tear drops

From drenching my chest

With memories

Of what could have been

I want to own all of my tears

Maybe then my hurt will stop

As I will never get to sing you a lullaby

 

 

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WHERE CAN I LAY

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I lost the will to live
When I lost my baby
Now my heart
It feels like an empty shell
A hollow broken mass
I have no song anymore
Sounds feel like screeching feet
I want to scream aloud
Yet no words are enough
To describe the pain i live with
The pain I inhale
The pain I exhale
What is there to live for
After my baby died
Where can I lay my broken soul
Where can I lay my tired body
Where can I lay my decaying mind
I have nothing
But empty thoughts
Empty empty arms
Where is my child
To heal all the hurt
And unbreak
This already shattered heart of mine

I’M LOOSING MY FIGHT SONG

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I don’t have a lot of fight
Left in me
I feel bottomless
This hollow feeling
Will not leave me be
I am tired of fighting
Fighting demons
Of yester regrets, pain
A lot of pain
Created by the loss of you
My unborn, my Nathan
I feel a heaviness
Words cannot be poured enough
Silence is become louder
Mornings dreaded
Nights welcomed
Because I get to lay down
My emotions of loss
Sleep gives me a kind hope
Hope that my mind will rest
I don’t have
A lot of fight left in me
I can’t fight anymore
I cannot run from myself
Darkness is all I wish for
So my secret tears
Will not be seen
I feel weightless
Like I have nothing left
I miss you my son
It seems deragatory
To even think of not missing you
Are you dancing with Angels
Perhaps you can invite me
I don’t
Have a lot of fight
Left in me

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BOY

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It’s hard to think
That I don’t have you
This Christmas
Our first christmas
You should have been
In my arms
I should have
Been singing for you gingle bells
I would have
Decorated
The Christmas tree with you
I should have
Baked
Gingerbread cookies with you
Merry Christmas my boy

All I want for Christmas
Is you in my arms
To hold and never let go
To create memories with you
On our first Christmas
Wish you were here with me
Wanted so much for us
The whole world
Should
Have been yours my boy
You would have been
A Joy to the world
Mostly joy to me
Merry Christmas my boy

To many more Christmases
That I will have
You will always be
The best gift I could have had
Merry Christmas my boy
Merry Christmas Nathan

DEAR NATHAN

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Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.

THE GHOST OF ME

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What you see now
Is the ghost of me
The shell that has remained
The skeletons that be
The naked flames dying
This is me
A broken heart
Triggered by moments
When I see them holding tiny hands
While my hands were left empty
When you said goodbye
I saw misery
I see misery
Will time create a mirage of peace
Will distance
Help me forget
This is the ghost of me
What has been left
When my womb emptied you
In sick sadness
It hang low
Knowing
It could not give you life
Anymore
Feeling like it failed you
The ghost of me haunts my nights
Hovering over a darkened smile
Unable to feel emotions
Only numbness
Lots and lost regrets
It should have been wonderful
You should have been wonderful
In my arms
On my breast
Over my shoulder
Under my fingers
On top of my laps
It should have been me and you
You and me it should have been
Now this ghost of me
Runs wild in my bewildered dreams
Reigning inside my empty mind
Most days I feel nothing
Because emptiness has resided
Where your heart should have been
Next to mine
Where it is now
Is a hollow space stuck between centuries
My son
Mama needs you
To take away
The ghost of me

7

seven

You would have been 7 months this September. I try not to count yet I find myself noting everyday what could have been. THERE IS NO HEART BEAT… I think I died that day….then my mind shut me out…it still hasn’t let me back in…Those four words are the worst sentence any mother would ever want to hear. They are like knives cutting through a steel bar…
I know I am still in denial and it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life unfold, only I get to feel all the pain, grief and heartbreak. It is unnatural for a parent to have to bury their child/ren, parents should outlive their kids…
I wish so many things among them that I got to hear your voice even for a second. It killed me that I had to labour for hours knowing you were already gone, that I would bring you to this world only to say goodbye again…
Cooking again gives me a temporary relief from the maddening thoughts that threaten to pull me into a darkness I know I will not return from. Baby, you already knew your favorite food. You kicked a storm in mummy’s belly whenever I cooked chapati… I miss that…
I know I need to stop remembering so I give my heart, soul, mind and body the chance to heal, yet I feel hollow when I don’t think of you, even for just a second. I have good days, great days, then I have days filled with misery and missing you so much it becomes a physical pain that’s stuck in my throat…
7 months without you in my life child. I don’t know how 7 more months will be. Lately I’m having more miserable days than good days, trying hard not to fall into this hole that’s gaping at me…maybe I’m starting to have a Penchant for pain… mommy will be fine… eventually… today… today I get to give in to that pain, tomorrow, tomorrow I get to live again…