Pasted smile on my face
I lie I am better
When all I want is to collapse
I need a better lie
To tell my heart
So my mind listens
And my body obeys
That I am Better



Beads of sweat
Heavy breaths
Pounding heart
Aching soul
Exhausted body
Confused mind
I woke up Panicked
Because you were no longer here



grief poetry Surprise



I feel I am unravelling
Completely worn out by this ache
An empty shitty ache
That will not allow me to curse out loud
The threads of my soul
Slowly unravelling so fast
I am left naked with too much sorrow
When you pour ink into my hurt
All you will find are words
Words that do not rhyme
Make sense
Or even exist in the alphabet
My hurt writes itself
Draws vividly unsaid sentiments
Emotions that rock my now silent wail
Cries that are only heard by my pillow
I ache for you my son
Listening to my heart beat alone
I keep Unravelling moments wished for
Blue ink, Black ink, Red Ink
They all write the same thing
My loss of you child



Standing at a cross road
Feet firmly stamped on the ground
Thoughts wondering
Brain questioning
Do I want this
From the sadness within
If I don’t feel pain
Does it mean I have forgotten you
Or that I have moved on too fast
Do I need this
To curve its hold on my heart
Make me feel a little better
Will it mean I am completely fine
That I have stopped searching for you
In my dreams
Should I get this
Will it cause me to smile again
Then feel guilty being happy
Without you my baby
Dear God
I need to Heal
Maybe then my heart will still
My soul will rest
My body will mend



I keep calling your name
When I’m wide awake
When I’m deep in my sleep
Hoping you will answer me
Death has been unkind to me
I have ceased being normal
What is normal
Your name I keep in my heart
Because where else would I take it
Death’s unkindness
Has unlocked emotions
I never thought I would have
I have no name for this kind of pain
Nor do I know how to describe it
There is no explanation possible
For this kind of loss
Loss of my baby boy
My world has shifted
From living
To existence
To getting by

Azariah Nathan
My sweet baby boy
Your name belongs to the Angels now
You rest in everlasting love
How do I lift my eyes to Heaven
And not weep without end
Knowing you are there
Today I fall apart
Tomorrow I collapse
Next day I crumble down
It is my cycle now
Grief is exhausting my soul
Only your name brings me comfort
Baby Azariah Nathan
Release Me from this loneliness



I will be fine my baby
Not today
Not tomorrow
Not even next month
Or year
But I will get there
Where it hurts less
I will forget the pain
Yet I can never forget you
I may forget the heartache
Forget the memories
Of when you left me
But I will never forget when you came to me
Luckily mummy will be fine
Because you forever live in my heart
The line down my belly button
Is still there
I won’t want it to go away
Because it is a reminder of you
My tummy is still not flat
I won’t want it to disappear too fast
Because that was your home
My back still aches sometimes
It feels lonely without the weight
Mummy will be fine baby
Not today
Not tomorrow
Not even next month
Or year
But I will get there