THEY LIED

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They said it gets better
Why is my heart still drowning
In a murky pool of sadness
They lied
They said time heals all wounds
Why is my soul still yelling
In a dark cave of blindness
They lied
They said tears will end eventually
Why is my mind still stressing
In a black hole of madness
They lied
They said my body will heal
Why is my belly still aching
In a sudden deep panick
They said
Yet I still wait
Was it a lie
Will it all come to pass
This grief

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THIS PAIN

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I have so much pain
That I don’t
Know what to do with it

A NOTORIOUS ACHE

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Nothing is ever the same
Nothing has ever been the same
Everything is ever changing
Everything has ever changed
I feel
A notorious ache
In my heart

Something is ever gone
Something has ever been going
One thing is ever remaining
One thing has ever remained
I feel
A notorious ache
In my mind

Loosing you my baby
Feels like
A notorious ache
That will not go away
From my brokenness within
This Notorious ache
In my heart
In my mind
Refuses to let me be

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

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Today has just been one of those days I hate. I just feel so out of place like I dont belong here. It’s my birthday month, yet I don’t really feel like celebrating. What would I be celebrating? I lost the only thing that made sense in my life. How could such a thing happen to me? I still question the sanctity of life, how is one life more important than another? I know I wont get answers yet I still ask. How now? I feel like giving up.

I FELT MY BABY KICK

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I knew you were real
The moment I felt your first kick
It felt strange
Yet exhilarating
Still wonderful
And strange again
I remember feeling my tummy
Then seeing you move about
Bouncing up, down my stomach
It was real
Nothing like I ever imagined
It couldn’t be
Anything I thought it would be
You announced your presence
With those subtle kicks
Excited whenever I put my hand on your soft foot
I couldn’t see
Yet I knew you were so strong
I felt my baby kick and
I knew
I would meet you soon
Now I have a hole
In my heart
Forced to carry on without you
I miss your little kicks
Early morning
Sometimes late evening
Or whenever I was hungry
You were too
How do I get through this
When does it ever not hurt
Anymore
All I want dear baby
Is to feel your kicks
Once again
How sad, I can never feel…
Hear your kicks again
I miss
I crave for
I cry after
I wish
With all my heart
That I would feel your kicks
Inside my lonely belly

A COLD JANUARY DAY

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It’s too hot
Cries
So many cries
Everybody talking at once
Like an old
Black and white movie
Going in slow motion
I watch her
Slowly pull you out of me
She is saying something
I can’t hear her
I only see her holding you
I already know
You are no more
Yet my heart stirred for a sign
They could have been wrong
Yet they are not
It’s a cold January day
Sun is beating up high
Yet it is a cold January
I shiver from the cold
My legs are weak
My belly empty
You are gone
Perhaps it’s a dream
I know it is not
January 5th 2017
A cold cold dark day
If we were having coffee
I would tell you about that day
That day that ended me
That day my body collapsed
My soul was scared for life
A cold January day
When my boy was born
Still, quiet, beautiful beyond imagination

WORDLESS

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I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…