They said it gets better
Why is my heart still drowning
In a murky pool of sadness
They lied
They said time heals all wounds
Why is my soul still yelling
In a dark cave of blindness
They lied
They said tears will end eventually
Why is my mind still stressing
In a black hole of madness
They lied
They said my body will heal
Why is my belly still aching
In a sudden deep panick
They said
Yet I still wait
Was it a lie
Will it all come to pass
This grief



I have so much pain
That I don’t
Know what to do with it



Nothing is ever the same
Nothing has ever been the same
Everything is ever changing
Everything has ever changed
I feel
A notorious ache
In my heart

Something is ever gone
Something has ever been going
One thing is ever remaining
One thing has ever remained
I feel
A notorious ache
In my mind

Loosing you my baby
Feels like
A notorious ache
That will not go away
From my brokenness within
This Notorious ache
In my heart
In my mind
Refuses to let me be



Today has just been one of those days I hate. I just feel so out of place like I dont belong here. It’s my birthday month, yet I don’t really feel like celebrating. What would I be celebrating? I lost the only thing that made sense in my life. How could such a thing happen to me? I still question the sanctity of life, how is one life more important than another? I know I wont get answers yet I still ask. How now? I feel like giving up.



I knew you were real
The moment I felt your first kick
It felt strange
Yet exhilarating
Still wonderful
And strange again
I remember feeling my tummy
Then seeing you move about
Bouncing up, down my stomach
It was real
Nothing like I ever imagined
It couldn’t be
Anything I thought it would be
You announced your presence
With those subtle kicks
Excited whenever I put my hand on your soft foot
I couldn’t see
Yet I knew you were so strong
I felt my baby kick and
I knew
I would meet you soon
Now I have a hole
In my heart
Forced to carry on without you
I miss your little kicks
Early morning
Sometimes late evening
Or whenever I was hungry
You were too
How do I get through this
When does it ever not hurt
All I want dear baby
Is to feel your kicks
Once again
How sad, I can never feel…
Hear your kicks again
I miss
I crave for
I cry after
I wish
With all my heart
That I would feel your kicks
Inside my lonely belly



It’s too hot
So many cries
Everybody talking at once
Like an old
Black and white movie
Going in slow motion
I watch her
Slowly pull you out of me
She is saying something
I can’t hear her
I only see her holding you
I already know
You are no more
Yet my heart stirred for a sign
They could have been wrong
Yet they are not
It’s a cold January day
Sun is beating up high
Yet it is a cold January
I shiver from the cold
My legs are weak
My belly empty
You are gone
Perhaps it’s a dream
I know it is not
January 5th 2017
A cold cold dark day
If we were having coffee
I would tell you about that day
That day that ended me
That day my body collapsed
My soul was scared for life
A cold January day
When my boy was born
Still, quiet, beautiful beyond imagination



I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…