TO SEE A MAN FALL ON HIS KNEES

man

He held a gun in his hand
Then everything went blank
His knees buckled beneath him
Hands trembled with no resolve
Head bowed between his shoulders
He had pushed her away
Yelled at her presence in disgust
She was an abomination
Her eyes reminded him of his mistake
He needed to forget
Suit and tie
Italian leather shoes
Gold Rolex watch
Wealth, so much wealth

He was Mafia
She was his illegitimate daughter
He sired one drunken night
Forcefully against her mother’s will
Rape is what it was
At a dingy bar
In Seattle
Then she became the Mafia’s whore
He despised her
Yet he came inside her
On days the business went sour
He loathed her still
A tainted woman
She died at a filthy drugs den
Now
The daughter he despised
Now lifeless
Now dead too
The same filthy drugs den
As her mother
Gun shot rents the air
Quietness followed
Power brought down
To its knees
Dynasty destroyed
This is how it all ends
To see a man fall on his knees
His daughter’s mother had a twin
Bloody hell
She came for revenge

PSALM 43:19

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“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert”

King James Version (KJV)

EMOTIONAL BURNOUT

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My emotions are burnt out. Smoking in desolation. I have let the pain in. It refuses to let go. I’m not doing fine.

TALES FROM MY FORESKIN

kenyaThe crack of an orange African dawn

Signifies the beginning of this ceremony
It’s brutally cold outside
The stillness of early morning
Creeps underneath my bare skin
I can hear ululations from excited women
The men chant victory war like songs
Drum beats in the distance align to my heart’s rhythm
Crisp air escapes into my cold nostrils
Realizations I have pressed down
Standing amidst boys I have grown up with
I feel a sense of Massive anxiety
Loneliness even
Will I measure up to them
Can I measure up to my parents
Will the elders understand
My independence now

It gets colder
My fingers begin to randomly freeze
I must not give in to elements of nature
I am stark naked
Yet I feel no shame
I look down at my foreskin
Seemingly for the last time
Cold has not woken my clueless manhood yet
This I must go through
Dancing, music, songs of our fore fathers
Lead us to the calm welcoming river
My skin freezes in shock
As grey mud is smeared all over my body
I mustn’t show fear
Or even hesitate
A slap from an elder follows harshly
And I blink back hot tears
I must accomplish this task
If not for my dark skin
You’d see blood drain from my entire being
As the sharp knife skillfully slithered across my foreskin
Indescribable pain
I cannot even visibly wince
Sweet relief, maybe
No one tells you of these pains
I am standing still like a statue
My clueless manhood now awake
Head held high
Facing forward, staring
Staring at nothing
Staring at something
Staring at everything
My beloved foreskin is gone
So is my boyhood
A full blooded man I become

BRENE BROWN QUOTE

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“We run from grief because loss scares us, yet our hearts reach toward grief because the broken parts want to mend”

Brene Brown

WORDLESS

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I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…

GRIEF POETRY VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD

versatile-blogger-award (1)I’m so honored to have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Zoe. Thank you so much for considering me for this. Writing has always been my go to whenever I have any given emotion to put out there. And to know that I have touched someone with my simple words is just an amazing feeling that keeps you motivated to write more. Zoe is a fellow blogger whose blog is filled with motivational articles and great quotes that speak to your heart. make sure you check her out at Hope Dream Wait and see for yourself what I am talking about. So the rules are simple:

rule

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award.
  •  Include a link to their blog.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Thanks Zoe for this nomination. You’re such a darling for this. Like I said don’t forget to visit her amazing blog!

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My nominees for the Versatile Blog Award goes to:

  1. Words in The Light
  2. My Loud Bipolar Whispers
  3. Thoughts Of Words
  4. Aweni
  5. lifesfinewhine
  6. Settle in El Paso
  7. Ramjet Poetry
  8. Clumsy And Silly
  9. Thoughts of Sheryl
  10. John Coyote
  11. Yaskhan
  12. LadyLebz
  13. Love It Now
  14. These Things I Write
  15. Eyes Plus Words

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7 Random Things About Me

  1. I love the smell of earth when it rains. Have you ever just sat outside when it wants to start raining and all of a sudden when it does there is this yummy smell of the earth once the rain falls on dry soil. What! I always want to lick up the soil, that smell is just too delicious to ignore. I could sit outside for hours on end. I love that smell and live to smell it whenever it pours. Rain should fall now, pleeease!
  2. I have a fear of small spaces. Hence my fear of drowning. I don’t really like small squeezed spaces that I feel like I cannot breathe. I want my space to be filled with lots of air, clean abundant air. I never like to enter elevators when there are a lot of people, I just start to hyperventilate feeling like the walls are closing in. I love to swim, and I do swim but there is always that fear of drowning that keeps me from going into the deep end of the pool, an ocean, don’t even get me started. Whenever I watch a scene in a movie/ series where someone is drowning I start to feel like I’m suffocating too! I should try and overcome this.
  3. I’m a CHOCOHOLIC. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I can never get enough of this sweet food of the gods, as it was once known. Chocolate for me is my indulgence, cure, food, dessert, best friend, pretty much everything. Give me chocolate, you have my heart. My favorite is Cadbury’s Rum&Raisin and Fruit&Nut
  4. I love nature. Nothing beats being out in nature, breathing the fresh crisp air especially in the early morning. For me nature is kind of therapeutic, especially after a hard day in the traffic filled loud city noises. The beauty of nature is just profound and gives you that relaxed awesome feeling of being closer to God.
  5. Azariah Nathan was my first baby. Being pregnant was the best feeling that I have ever had that I cannot explain or put it in words. Being pregnant for the first time is both exciting and scary, you tend to feel so many emotions that are scattered that you feel overwhelmed. Loosing my baby boy is the hardest thing in the world, I miss him and wish we had more time together. He will always be my first born no matter what the future holds.
  6. I’m OBSESSED with motorbikes. I can’t really explain where this obsession came from but I have always had a thing about motorbikes. Maybe it’s all the Bollywood movies that I watched while growing up, but those mean machines make me weak in the knees. Suffice to say one of my bucket list adventures is to drive a motorbike, those pimped up ones that are crazy and awesome!
  7. I’m a great cook. I have always loved to cook even when I was younger till now, because the best part of cooking is…EATING. I love art which I always bring to food when presenting it. I love to experiment on recipes and even create my own! I have a collection of recipes from when I was in High School so that should tell you how much I love being in the Kitchen.

So there you have it. Thanks again Zoe for the nomination and for giving me that chance to write about myself. Something I had forgotten to do for a really long while. I kind of lost myself and my identity when my baby died so this kind of brings me back to what I used to be and I am supposed to be. For my Nominees, your blogs are just awesome places that I like to visit to be inspired, thank you too. Lots of love 🙂

thank-you