Its been a long time since I came to visit you my child. I remember pain and, I don’t want to feel it anymore. I remember tears and, I don’t want to cry anymore. Still I feel that pain and I still cry at the thought of you not being in my arms. My dear departed son, mommy still has all this love that should have been yours. Your cradle to grave story never had a beginning. Only an end that still hurts as hell. Mommy cannot function some days, others I am on over drive trying to burn hurting thoughts. Please say you won’t let go, of my hand. That you will hold me forever. That you will still love me, even when I am angry you left me. I wished to grow old with you, see your generation come to life. I cannot see how this pain will subside. Say you won’t let go, of my heart, that needs you so. Keep me in your thoughts, hold me in your innocence.
Dear Nathan,
Mommy remembers every bit of you. No memory of you will ever fade away. I remember never saying goodbye. I still won’t. Give me strength to be better, to sleep better, to survive better. All I long for is the days I had you inside me. When I felt you kick. When I rubbed my belly and felt your presence. I wish I could turn back time. And feel you again. Know you are deeply rooted inside mommy’s belly. My son, my dear departed son, mommy still loves you, so so much. I had you, then I didn’t. Yet you still are alive in me. I want so much, you being the most of what I want. Say you won’t let go, of mommy’s hand… forever.



I have yearned to heal
Yet memories will not let me rest
My body still will not let me forget
My heart will not let me move
From labour pains to heart pains
My mind recalls it all

I have wished to be well
Yet memories still cling to me
My body still reminds me
My heart still holds me
From labour pains to heart pains
My soul reminisces

I have talked of being okay
Yet memories still pull me back
My body still feels you inside
My heart still hears you
From labour pains to heart pains
My Interest declines



Stop trivializing my pain
Stop making it normal
I cannot share it
I cannot give it away
This is my pain
I need to live with it
Until it no longer
Sucks the life out of me
Just breathe baby
Just breathe



I sit under this tree
And wonder out loud
Where is my life headed
What am I doing wrong
Why can’t I have
The kind of life I want
Where should I go
To ease all this emptiness
I feel like I am drowning
Falling into this massive avalanche
That will not let go of its claws
Digging deep into my heart
Cold wind blows
I hear a plane above the sky
I wonder
What is my destiny
Who am I anyway
I have lost a sense of me
Me I do not understand anymore
Who have I become
With all this sadness inside me



I just can’t.



I will put my grief in a jar
Seal it tight
Throw in into the Ocean
So that it floats away
Into the land unknown
The land of healing



Oh Lord filter my thoughts
I feel as though
I want to let in this cloud
Of unwanted anger
Towards you
And man
I feel I am loosing control
Of who I am
Feeling like a darkened version of myself
A version I am starting
Not to recognise
Fear even
I have let in grief
That is eating
At the core
Of my existence
Filter my thoughts