Standing at a cross road
Feet firmly stamped on the ground
Thoughts wondering
Brain questioning
Do I want this
From the sadness within
If I don’t feel pain
Does it mean I have forgotten you
Or that I have moved on too fast
Do I need this
To curve its hold on my heart
Make me feel a little better
Will it mean I am completely fine
That I have stopped searching for you
In my dreams
Should I get this
Will it cause me to smile again
Then feel guilty being happy
Without you my baby
Dear God
I need to Heal
Maybe then my heart will still
My soul will rest
My body will mend



That hollow spot on your body
Speaks of an anguish
That cannot be consoled
A selfish need
To cry all the tears of the century
That space, deep dark space
Left by a life ended too soon
The life of a child
Lost in the abys of death
Life clawed away by unexplained reasons
That empty dent on your belly
Tells of grief beyond comprehension
A story truly harsh
Cannot be recounted without cries
Speaks of a desire to wither away
A tainted need
To curl into a foetal position
Never to wake up again
Your broken womb
Speaks of nothing but your hurt
Everything hurts
Even the heart hurts more
Looking down at an empty womb
Staring back at you
With no mercy
That part of you that died
Yet needing a Healer
To mend that broken womb



I haven’t been able to write the past few days. I guess I have been feeling too much of everything that I don’t know what to put down or how to write it. I feel… nothing, something, everything. Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, or is it not? Now it feels like a heavy weight. Mom passed on in 2007 now my baby passed on in 2017, I think that hit me and I just felt so broken that I fell apart and just couldn’t handle everything that was coming at me.

Feels like I am dealing with two losses at the same time. So my canvas is empty, my cistern has run dry, I can’t write, not today, maybe tomorrow. When I am brave enough to face my pain…



I remember it
Like it was just now
Carrying everything I owned
In my basin
My clothes
My juices
My fruits
They had brought to visit me in hospital
Walking out and looking back
At that maternity ward
I hated that ward
I hated the smell of the hospital
I hated all the cries I heard
From babies that were born
I hated the laughter in that ward
Of those who congratulated them
For having what I did not have
My baby
I hated the doctors in that ward
I knew it was not their fault
Still I hated
I hated it all
Because I was empty
My arms were empty
I was leaving without you my baby
I could hear their whispers as I walked by
They knew what I knew
She lost her baby
Sighs of sympathy
Faces with sorrow for me
I wanted to run
But I was in pain
Pain from labour that yielded nothing
Pain from stitches that hurt
Pain from a wounded heart
I was empty
My arms were empty
Leaving the hospital without you child
Is the worst day of my life
I still feel that emptiness
I still live with that anger
I still hate that ward
It took you away from me
Then I had to leave you there
Before coming back
To take you away
And bury you
I left the hospital empty
Nothing has been able to replace you
Nothing, no one, ever will
Because you were my life, my forever
I can never escape it, this emptiness
As it’s a constant reminder of all that was lost
I will never forget that feeling
Of leaving the hospital without you baby



We all have a darkness within us
Tucked away somewhere
Until there is no more light
Then darkness comes forth



Baby I needed to cry
So I did
Until it hurt less



I hear it pump blood
So hard
So fast
In the same rhythm
As if you were still there
My heart has no mind of its own
It does not know that you left
It knows not
That it does not have to beat for two
My superpower
Would have been being your mum
I would have loved you endlessly
I would have fed you tirelessly
I would have changed your diaper unreservedly
I would have soothed your cold restlessly
I would have watched you crawl without end
I would have watched you crush on your first cute girl
They would all have been wrong for you
I would let you rest your tired head on my laps
And let them call you mama’s boy
I would have come to your graduations without fail
By God’s grace
I would have watched you marry the woman of your dreams
Then held and spoilt all my grandkids
My heart beating for two
Reminds me one part of me is missing
Yet I have to survive it somehow
Without any Superpower