SENSELESS EMOTIONS DROWN ME

dear-baby

It feels so hard just sitting here feeling like a failure. Why doesn’t my fortune change, why are there obstacles upon obstacles in my life? Baby, I realize now that you are in a better place. Away from all the hurts, pains, disappointments, and fears. I wish you would have taken me away with you. Now I wouldn’t be drowning in this loneliness, sorrow, heart break and pain. I feel jealous you are happy in Heaven, I on the other hand am not okay baby. I am drowning in my own sorrows that have refused to let me go. Clutching at my throat, especially my heart, so bad it hurts terrribly.

I wonder how you are up there. I know your Father is taking good care of you. I wish I had the chance to take care of you. Love you. Feed you. Clothe you. Sing for you. Play with you. Sleep next to you. I wish all that baby… and so much more…

I will not cry anymore. That is a lie my heart will not accept. Tears well in my eyes writing this. Then they drop. Because it is so unreal, yet so real at the same time. Where do I go from here… after I am healed, then what baby? Will I even heal? Maybe I don’t want to heal. So that your pain in my heart can remind me you really were present in my life. For a second. And then you were gone. Gone from me. Gone from my hands, and gone forever… I Hesitate for a moment, but then tears still fall… again…

DEAR NATHAN

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I have lost myself in grief
Grief that has astounded my mind
Caused my soul to perish in disbelief
All known associations of reality
Shattered in the abys of grievous emotions
I feel like I want to escape
Drown myself in deep clenching sorrow
Dance with the lost pains of centuries

Dear Nathan
My boy
My little man

I have let myself disappear in grief
Grief that has crumbled my heart
Caused my mind to stammer in shock
All known memories of realism
Devastated in the depths of laments
I feel like I want to run away
Sink myself in profound unhappiness
Dance with the sorrowfullness of an era

Dear Nathan
My boy
My little man

Death uprooted you from my life
Before I held you in my arms
I cannot yet speak of loosing you
I choose to Hideout in all this pain
So again I will write my sodden grief
In this letter for you

Dear Nathan
My boy
My little man
Mama loves

MY DEAR PILLOW

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This pillow knows all of my secrets
The tears I have cried for my baby
Could tell a story
I cry when my heart is aching
For a loss I cannot explain
I don’t understand how my baby died before his time
I don’t know what I could have done to change it
I don’t see how my pressure could have been so volatile
This pillow has heard me ask
Questions from a bleeding heart
Muffled amidst tears of grieving
Silenced by a coughing chest
Yet with no answers to give me
It has heard my soul shatter into unknown pieces
Unable to pick and put them back together
Or even offer words of consolation to a dying heart
This pillow understands the language of loss
When no one else can
Every thought of a despairing lost mind
Each unconsoled hiccup
Each unfinished breath
Each undone ache
Each heavy emotion of the suddden loss of a child
My pillow knows
My pillow cannot speak
But it knows
Where the stains of my hushed tears lie

WEEKEND COFFEE SHARE: NATHAN

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If we were having coffee
I’d tell you about Nathan
My boy
The one I never got to love
Him who was a part of my life
I knew his personality
He’d keep me awake
Until 3am in the morning
Kicking up a storm in my belly
I’d tell you how I woke up
Feeling complete, settled
Knowing he nestled inside my belly
Growing daily so fast
Being brave for me inside his home
I’d add another cup of coffee for you
More milk?
More sugar?
Then tell you
How much I loved my boy
The one I never got to nestle on my bosom
Nathan, a name I knew was perfect
For the baby listening to my voice
I’d tell you how excited I felt
When my baby kicked for the first time
How much more I smiled when he kicked back my hand
When I placed it on my tummy
Oh my boy it is unreal
If we were having coffee
I’d tell you how my world collapsed
When doctor said ‘no heartbeat’
How my heart stopped beating
If only for a second
When my baby was no more
I’d try not to break down
Listening to the hard silence between us
As memories drown me without mercy
Then when coffee ends
We’d walk out
Knowing I have unburdened my heartache
On my coffee date with you

LULLABY FOR MY BABY

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I never stop
Imagining who you would have become
Thinking who you would take after
Wondering what you would have loved
I never stop
Imagining which song you would have loved
Thinking which toy you would take a liking to
Wondering which food you would have loved
I never stop
Imagining what word you would have said first
Thinking what would have been your first cry
Wondering what you would have loved to hug
I never stop
Imagining you in my arms
Thinking of you on my laps
Wondering of you on my bossom
I never stop
Imagining giving you a bath
In Lukewarm water
Thinking washing you
In Blue bubbles
Wondering playing with you
In your tiny bath tub
I never stop
Imagining
Thinking
Wondering
About you my baby

ON THE WINGS OF MY BABY

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I watch you sleep
Only you have no life in you
Your tiny eyes shut tightly
Lifeless
The doctor holds you in her hands
It’s a boy
He’s 1.9kgs
I swear I thought I heard you cry
No?
She next to me has given birth to twins
I want to reach out and touch you
My body won’t obey me
I have no more labour pains
I have heart labour pains
I will tears to come out
They will not hear me
Trembling lips I ask why
Doctor says no one knows
It feels like I am watching someone elses life
Floating amidst bodies of humans
Time has stood very still
Yet running faster than I can comprehend
Pain of stitches now become real
My womb is empty
You are no longer there
My heart is still beating for two
My mind thinking for one
My body crying for…
I have no strength to move
Fear
So much fear has gripped my ailing heart
My soul wants to come out of me
My spirit is ready to give up the ghost
What is this pain I feel in my belly
A hole so deep I can feel it drown me
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my life
Where’s my existence
Where’s my sanity
I want to yell
Should i scream my lungs out
I want to sleep
Sleep forever to never wake up
I want to blame
I want to ask why
No one has answers
Questions
Do my questions bring solace
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my soul
Where’s my reason for being
Where’s my good thing
Bring back my angel
Bring back my wound healer
Bring back my laughter
Bring back my fighter
Bring him back to me
Bring my baby back
I want him in my arms
I want him on my bossom
Nursing
My breasts ache for my baby’s lips
Where will I put your milk
I’m so tired
Tired
Tired
Tired
Wrap me in your arms baby
Take me where you have gone
You cannot leave me here
Alone in deep pain
Without your tiny fingers to hold onto
I wrote you a letter
I wanted to read to you
Show you how proud I am of you
Would you like to hear it
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my love
Where’s my hope in life
Where are you Azariah Nathan
That was your name baby
Perfect for my perfect boy
You loved chapati
I know, because you kicked up a storm in my belly every time I cooked them
I watch
Sand
Earth
Stones
Sticks
Cover you for eternity
My heart sinks into a hole
Dark dark deep hole
I want to be carried on my baby’s wings
Where am I to put this immense love
What am I to do with your side of the bed
Who am I to sing your lullaby to
Where do I go from here
How do I breath without you
I’m jealous you’re happy without me
In your Father’s arms in Heaven
Teach me how to be alone baby
Blow kisses to soothe away my burning heart
I dont know how your new baby smell feels like
So my boy
Fill my troubled dreams with your intoxicating scent
Cover my restless nights with your sweet baby laughter
I have no more words left to say
I sing my pain in the songs we listened together
I am left with memories of your happy kicks inside my belly
A belly I am afraid to touch
Because you are no longer there
My boy
My little man
The ache in my heart won’t go away
Lend me your wings so I fly to you
Whenever I see a full moon
Or watch the sun rise in the morning
Or hear the wind blow
I need to sleep now baby
See you in the troubled waters of my sleep
Where your memory will soothe me and Recognize…me