TAKING STOCK 6

Goodbye-June-Hello-July

Opening: the Bible
Feeling: anxious
Knowing: five months have already gone without you
Wishing: i could fly
Hoping: tomorrow brings less heavy emotions
Marveling: at the word Moxie
Needing: still love
Watching: the moonless sky it’s 11pm here
Learning: i can move
Loving: still nothing
Admiring: other mothers
Thinking: i don’t want to be here
Wanting: everything
Smelling: dirt
Dreading: sleep
Dreaming: about babies, everyday
Cooking: i baked mug cakes
Making: my mind to stop thinking
Reading: not reading
Drinking: tea
Listening: to Adele’s ‘when we were young’ i don’t know why
Writing: these words on grief poetry
Wondering: what comes next after grief
Following: https://wemenshouldcook.com his food photography is amazing
Eating: rice and beans again
Wearing: blue jeans and a Tee
Creating: bubbles
Regretting: not saying what my hear wanted
Wasting: butter. Obsessively baking. Keeps me from thinking. About him
Noticing: days are going too fast
Giggling: no
Bookmarking: https://grief.com
Hating: that i am empty still

TAKING STOCK 4

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Opening: a new month thinking of the coming days
Feeling: less than perfect
Knowing: May should bring with it a little comfort and less of anger
Wishing: i was holding you in my arms. Baby my arms are still not used to being without you
Hoping: that life will make more sense as I try to navigate through this pain of mine
Marveling: at how much time passes yet still remains the same
Needing: more hugs than ever before. This feeling of loneliness has gripped my chest so hard refusing to let go
Watching: how the month unfolds, I haven’t watched any series or movie for so long
Learning: days, minutes, seconds can never be recounted, once gone they stay gone for good
Loving: still a blank stare
Admiring: those who overcame their pain and learnt to live with it and not let it define them
Thinking: april ended too fast, I cannot believe we are already in another month
Wanting: to be left alone sometimes to deal with this riveting grief that has me in chains
Smelling: toasted bread
Dreading: nights when I dream about babies only to wake up realising I lost my own, so frightening yet distinct
Dreaming:
Cooking:
Making: a decision to not be brought down by feelings of loss and so much sorrow
Reading: i can’t seem to want to read anymore, maybe the feeling will come back soon
Drinking: milk tea
Listening: to mercy me- I can only imagine
Writing: in my diary why life seems so unfair that everybody else is living the life I want, the life of being a mother
Wondering: how come…
Following: http://www.kaluhiskitchen.com
Eating: not yet lunch time
Wearing: a blue stripped dera, the one I wore to my baby’s funeral, somehow that gives me some sense of comfort and closeness to my absent boy
Creating: i haven’t felt any creative lately
Regretting: that life would have been different if I had made different choices at certain points in my life
Wasting: time
Noticing: i have lost a lot of weight, someone commented that I was shrinking…true, as my heart shrinks because of pain, my body shrinks too
Giggling: no laughter yet
Bookmarking: http://www.bikozulu.co.ke his witty writting makes me smile most times

TAKING STOCK 3

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Opening: parts of me i don’t want to feel
Feeling: restless
Knowing: life will someday be okay
Wishing: i could sleep all day
Hoping: i feel no hope lately
Marveling: at nothing
Needing: a long warm hug
Watching: the night sky
Learning: i’m getting more angrier
Loving: ???
Admiring: happy people
Thinking: i should love again
Wanting: peace of heart
Smelling: rain
Dreading: questions about my baby
Dreaming: senseless dreams
Cooking: nothing
Making: nothing
Reading: nothing
Drinking: tea
Listening: to the wind blow outside
Writing: trying to write again
Wondering: will i ever get to a better place
Following: i don’t really know
Eating: minced meat
Wearing: still grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: love
Wasting: minutes being sad
Noticing: my broken heart needs to Pause
Giggling: not in a while
Bookmarking: blank??

TAKING STOCK 2

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Opening: my heart a little bit
Feeling: thoughtless
Knowing: i have come this far in grief
Wishing: i could scream all emotions out
Hoping: life will get better soon
Marveling: at how fast morning comes
Needing: a sign that tomorrow is better
Watching: nothing
Learning: i have to stop crying
Loving: is there room for love right now really
Admiring: the clear blue sky
Thinking: life will soon make sense again
Wanting: to get out of this limbo
Smelling: eggs
Dreading: going out to live life without him
Dreaming: of holding on
Cooking: rice, maybe
Making: nothing
Reading: still not held a book
Drinking: water
Listening: music is a bit raw
Writing: my emotions
Wondering: will time heal all wounds as they say
Following: ellaine’s blog
Eating: a mango
Wearing: grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: nothing yet
Wasting: tears on my pillow
Noticing: i have a strong heart even though it is broken
Giggling: laughter has escaped me
Bookmarking: haven’t really browsed lately

MY HEART STILL BEATS FOR TWO

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I hear it pump blood
So hard
So fast
In the same rhythm
As if you were still there
My heart has no mind of its own
It does not know that you left
It knows not
That it does not have to beat for two
My superpower
Would have been being your mum
I would have loved you endlessly
I would have fed you tirelessly
I would have changed your diaper unreservedly
I would have soothed your cold restlessly
I would have watched you crawl without end
I would have watched you crush on your first cute girl
They would all have been wrong for you
I would let you rest your tired head on my laps
And let them call you mama’s boy
I would have come to your graduations without fail
By God’s grace
I would have watched you marry the woman of your dreams
Then held and spoilt all my grandkids
My heart beating for two
Reminds me one part of me is missing
Yet I have to survive it somehow
Without any Superpower

TAKING STOCK 1

Hello-February-on-image-with-cute-cupid-and-love-arrows

Opening: my eyes

Feeling: like this day will never end

Knowing: i have to get up and live life again

Wishing: i had you in my arms

Hoping: that I will heal from this sense of loss

Marveling: at how much time has gone

Needing: to be comforted

Watching: the trees bend down from the wind

Learning: someday will come to be okay

Loving: nothing right now

Admiring: the morning sun

Thinking: it still feels like I am stuck at the same place

Wanting: to just sleep

Smelling: wet soil

Dreading: waking up another day without you

Dreaming: having nightmares really

Cooking: no strength to cook yet

Making: nothing

Reading: haven’t held a book for so long

Drinking: black tea

Listening: Nickelback – Lullaby

Writing: in this blog

Wondering: will it get better tomorrow

Following: eyes plus words

Eating: brown bread

Wearing: pajamas

Creating: nothing

Regretting: never singing everyday for you

Wasting: Heard my thoughts

Noticing: the dark shadows under my eyes

Giggling: waiting to laugh again

Bookmarking: whatsyourgrief  Feeling Nothing During Grief