I want to sleep soundly
Sleep until I have no more pain
Pain of your loss child
I want to dream dreams
That make me touch your hand
Smell your baby scent
Bask in your unconditional love
I want to fall asleep
Without any fears of nightmares
I don’t want to feel homeless
Or desolate
When I go to sleep at night
So let me sleep
Then wake me up
When the pain is all gone
So I will not close my eyes
Fearing that pain of your loss
Will cause me to not sleep soundly
When I want to sleep
Let me be
Let me fall slowly asleep
Let me alone
Only wake me up
When the pain is all gone
The pain of loosing you my child
For in sleep I rest in your tiny embrace
In sleep I find comfort in your heart
In sleep I know you are with me
In my dreams I hold your hand still
So wake me not, let me sleep
Until all the pain is gone
My heart is on the Precipice of pain
I want to wake up when it’s all gone



“Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold. Never hungry. Never alone. And importantly always knew Love…”

 Z Clarke Coates



When I held you in my womb
I knew you were meant to be
I knew you were real
I understood you would be
Part of me forever
Growing in my belly
I was sure I was blest
Given the privilege to carry you
Faithfully I knew
I would be your mother
When you were sad
When you were happy
When I was sad
When I was happy
You painted in me
The full picture of motherhood
A portrait of enduring love
When I held you in my womb
You were completely part of me
Everything of me you carried
A full resemblance of my eyes
Complete copy of my blood in your veins
You were a potrait
Of what a mother is
You made me a mother
The few seconds I had with you
Bitter sweet moments
I was already a mother
No one can take that away
I am still a mother
Your mother baby



I know I should not be asking
But I will still ask
Because I have not yet healed
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can tell me why
I cannot question God
Yet my heart asks why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can explain why
I cannot question Man
Yet my soul asks why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
No one can show me why
I cannot question the universe
Yet my body asks why
Does she get to have
Her baby with her
I lost mine
Now I am Exposed to heartbreak



That hollow spot on your body
Speaks of an anguish
That cannot be consoled
A selfish need
To cry all the tears of the century
That space, deep dark space
Left by a life ended too soon
The life of a child
Lost in the abys of death
Life clawed away by unexplained reasons
That empty dent on your belly
Tells of grief beyond comprehension
A story truly harsh
Cannot be recounted without cries
Speaks of a desire to wither away
A tainted need
To curl into a foetal position
Never to wake up again
Your broken womb
Speaks of nothing but your hurt
Everything hurts
Even the heart hurts more
Looking down at an empty womb
Staring back at you
With no mercy
That part of you that died
Yet needing a Healer
To mend that broken womb



I remember it
Like it was just now
Carrying everything I owned
In my basin
My clothes
My juices
My fruits
They had brought to visit me in hospital
Walking out and looking back
At that maternity ward
I hated that ward
I hated the smell of the hospital
I hated all the cries I heard
From babies that were born
I hated the laughter in that ward
Of those who congratulated them
For having what I did not have
My baby
I hated the doctors in that ward
I knew it was not their fault
Still I hated
I hated it all
Because I was empty
My arms were empty
I was leaving without you my baby
I could hear their whispers as I walked by
They knew what I knew
She lost her baby
Sighs of sympathy
Faces with sorrow for me
I wanted to run
But I was in pain
Pain from labour that yielded nothing
Pain from stitches that hurt
Pain from a wounded heart
I was empty
My arms were empty
Leaving the hospital without you child
Is the worst day of my life
I still feel that emptiness
I still live with that anger
I still hate that ward
It took you away from me
Then I had to leave you there
Before coming back
To take you away
And bury you
I left the hospital empty
Nothing has been able to replace you
Nothing, no one, ever will
Because you were my life, my forever
I can never escape it, this emptiness
As it’s a constant reminder of all that was lost
I will never forget that feeling
Of leaving the hospital without you baby



You have been crying floods of tears
Days seem to make no difference
You keep wondering
Why her
Why them
And not me
Words of comfort are yet meaningless
Your eyes blinded by ceaseless tear drops
You clutch your belly tight
Wondering how could it be
Why did it become
When will it heal
You beat at your chest
In great sorrow
Why not her
Why not them
Why me
You have been curling in your bed
Knees to your chest
Hands around your ankles
Head bowed on your shoulder
How does the world become cruel without mercy
Rainbows in the desert
Draught in the forests
Too afraid to even pray
Grieve and then know
Your womb is fractured
Yet it will heal again
You will carry a child again
You will have your rainbow
Your womb will no longer be empty