WRITING

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When I stopped writing
I began to feel the pain again
That hollow space ached some more
Now my heart aches to write again

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LONELY PAPER

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Just as crumpled Paper
Feels alone, abandoned, confused
So my soul feels this wave of loneliness

TO SEE A MAN FALL ON HIS KNEES

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He held a gun in his hand
Then everything went blank
His knees buckled beneath him
Hands trembled with no resolve
Head bowed between his shoulders
He had pushed her away
Yelled at her presence in disgust
She was an abomination
Her eyes reminded him of his mistake
He needed to forget
Suit and tie
Italian leather shoes
Gold Rolex watch
Wealth, so much wealth

He was Mafia
She was his illegitimate daughter
He sired one drunken night
Forcefully against her mother’s will
Rape is what it was
At a dingy bar
In Seattle
Then she became the Mafia’s whore
He despised her
Yet he came inside her
On days the business went sour
He loathed her still
A tainted woman
She died at a filthy drugs den
Now
The daughter he despised
Now lifeless
Now dead too
The same filthy drugs den
As her mother
Gun shot rents the air
Quietness followed
Power brought down
To its knees
Dynasty destroyed
This is how it all ends
To see a man fall on his knees
His daughter’s mother had a twin
Bloody hell
She came for revenge

TAKING STOCK 4

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Opening: a new month thinking of the coming days
Feeling: less than perfect
Knowing: May should bring with it a little comfort and less of anger
Wishing: i was holding you in my arms. Baby my arms are still not used to being without you
Hoping: that life will make more sense as I try to navigate through this pain of mine
Marveling: at how much time passes yet still remains the same
Needing: more hugs than ever before. This feeling of loneliness has gripped my chest so hard refusing to let go
Watching: how the month unfolds, I haven’t watched any series or movie for so long
Learning: days, minutes, seconds can never be recounted, once gone they stay gone for good
Loving: still a blank stare
Admiring: those who overcame their pain and learnt to live with it and not let it define them
Thinking: april ended too fast, I cannot believe we are already in another month
Wanting: to be left alone sometimes to deal with this riveting grief that has me in chains
Smelling: toasted bread
Dreading: nights when I dream about babies only to wake up realising I lost my own, so frightening yet distinct
Dreaming:
Cooking:
Making: a decision to not be brought down by feelings of loss and so much sorrow
Reading: i can’t seem to want to read anymore, maybe the feeling will come back soon
Drinking: milk tea
Listening: to mercy me- I can only imagine
Writing: in my diary why life seems so unfair that everybody else is living the life I want, the life of being a mother
Wondering: how come…
Following: http://www.kaluhiskitchen.com
Eating: not yet lunch time
Wearing: a blue stripped dera, the one I wore to my baby’s funeral, somehow that gives me some sense of comfort and closeness to my absent boy
Creating: i haven’t felt any creative lately
Regretting: that life would have been different if I had made different choices at certain points in my life
Wasting: time
Noticing: i have lost a lot of weight, someone commented that I was shrinking…true, as my heart shrinks because of pain, my body shrinks too
Giggling: no laughter yet
Bookmarking: http://www.bikozulu.co.ke his witty writting makes me smile most times

TAKING STOCK 3

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Opening: parts of me i don’t want to feel
Feeling: restless
Knowing: life will someday be okay
Wishing: i could sleep all day
Hoping: i feel no hope lately
Marveling: at nothing
Needing: a long warm hug
Watching: the night sky
Learning: i’m getting more angrier
Loving: ???
Admiring: happy people
Thinking: i should love again
Wanting: peace of heart
Smelling: rain
Dreading: questions about my baby
Dreaming: senseless dreams
Cooking: nothing
Making: nothing
Reading: nothing
Drinking: tea
Listening: to the wind blow outside
Writing: trying to write again
Wondering: will i ever get to a better place
Following: i don’t really know
Eating: minced meat
Wearing: still grey sweats
Creating: nothing
Regretting: love
Wasting: minutes being sad
Noticing: my broken heart needs to Pause
Giggling: not in a while
Bookmarking: blank??

Last Stage: Acceptance

It’s like you were thinking what my frame of mind is at the moment. This is just perfect for me and everyone going through the grieving or healing process. Just perfect 😍😍😍

Ancient Beauty

Acceptance

I mourned my loss, Loss of dignity

Denial was the first stage, felt like eternity

I was in a misery and then came anger

It took a toll on body and mind, I could hold no longer!

I started banging my head asking Him one question,

“Why did it happen to me?” I said with regression.

No response, no voice to my release,

It ate at my soul like a disease.

Now past the depressive stage,

Into the future, with acceptance, I gaze.

If you are suffering and mourning a loss of someone, or even loss of your ambitions, hang  in there. Stay connected with your family and friends. Let them in. I promise you will get through this and make it to the other side, where you will see a way to move on with the sweet memories and lessons learned. You might be on different stages of…

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GRIEF POETRY VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD

versatile-blogger-award (1)I’m so honored to have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Zoe. Thank you so much for considering me for this. Writing has always been my go to whenever I have any given emotion to put out there. And to know that I have touched someone with my simple words is just an amazing feeling that keeps you motivated to write more. Zoe is a fellow blogger whose blog is filled with motivational articles and great quotes that speak to your heart. make sure you check her out at Hope Dream Wait and see for yourself what I am talking about. So the rules are simple:

rule

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award.
  •  Include a link to their blog.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Thanks Zoe for this nomination. You’re such a darling for this. Like I said don’t forget to visit her amazing blog!

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My nominees for the Versatile Blog Award goes to:

  1. Words in The Light
  2. My Loud Bipolar Whispers
  3. Thoughts Of Words
  4. Aweni
  5. lifesfinewhine
  6. Settle in El Paso
  7. Ramjet Poetry
  8. Clumsy And Silly
  9. Thoughts of Sheryl
  10. John Coyote
  11. Yaskhan
  12. LadyLebz
  13. Love It Now
  14. These Things I Write
  15. Eyes Plus Words

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7 Random Things About Me

  1. I love the smell of earth when it rains. Have you ever just sat outside when it wants to start raining and all of a sudden when it does there is this yummy smell of the earth once the rain falls on dry soil. What! I always want to lick up the soil, that smell is just too delicious to ignore. I could sit outside for hours on end. I love that smell and live to smell it whenever it pours. Rain should fall now, pleeease!
  2. I have a fear of small spaces. Hence my fear of drowning. I don’t really like small squeezed spaces that I feel like I cannot breathe. I want my space to be filled with lots of air, clean abundant air. I never like to enter elevators when there are a lot of people, I just start to hyperventilate feeling like the walls are closing in. I love to swim, and I do swim but there is always that fear of drowning that keeps me from going into the deep end of the pool, an ocean, don’t even get me started. Whenever I watch a scene in a movie/ series where someone is drowning I start to feel like I’m suffocating too! I should try and overcome this.
  3. I’m a CHOCOHOLIC. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I can never get enough of this sweet food of the gods, as it was once known. Chocolate for me is my indulgence, cure, food, dessert, best friend, pretty much everything. Give me chocolate, you have my heart. My favorite is Cadbury’s Rum&Raisin and Fruit&Nut
  4. I love nature. Nothing beats being out in nature, breathing the fresh crisp air especially in the early morning. For me nature is kind of therapeutic, especially after a hard day in the traffic filled loud city noises. The beauty of nature is just profound and gives you that relaxed awesome feeling of being closer to God.
  5. Azariah Nathan was my first baby. Being pregnant was the best feeling that I have ever had that I cannot explain or put it in words. Being pregnant for the first time is both exciting and scary, you tend to feel so many emotions that are scattered that you feel overwhelmed. Loosing my baby boy is the hardest thing in the world, I miss him and wish we had more time together. He will always be my first born no matter what the future holds.
  6. I’m OBSESSED with motorbikes. I can’t really explain where this obsession came from but I have always had a thing about motorbikes. Maybe it’s all the Bollywood movies that I watched while growing up, but those mean machines make me weak in the knees. Suffice to say one of my bucket list adventures is to drive a motorbike, those pimped up ones that are crazy and awesome!
  7. I’m a great cook. I have always loved to cook even when I was younger till now, because the best part of cooking is…EATING. I love art which I always bring to food when presenting it. I love to experiment on recipes and even create my own! I have a collection of recipes from when I was in High School so that should tell you how much I love being in the Kitchen.

So there you have it. Thanks again Zoe for the nomination and for giving me that chance to write about myself. Something I had forgotten to do for a really long while. I kind of lost myself and my identity when my baby died so this kind of brings me back to what I used to be and I am supposed to be. For my Nominees, your blogs are just awesome places that I like to visit to be inspired, thank you too. Lots of love 🙂

thank-you