HAND MADE TALES

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grief poetry Handmade Tales the story of us my child. Our Names intertwined into each other forever. As the beads spell your name and mine, we will forever be in each other’s hearts. Mummy will always hold your hand in this journey of life. Remembered for the rest of my life.

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I DON’T HAVE YOUR CHUCKLE

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I always dreamed
Of how your smile would be
I was ever imagining
What your laughter would sound like
You would have been
A happy baby
Every day would have been perfect
With you in my arms
I would have chuckled
At your effort
Of your first crawl
I would have marvelled
At your trial at standing up
Wobbling
As you tried to stand
For the very first time
I swear
I would have recorded every moment
Rain please fall on me
I have no laughter in me
So rain
Wash away all my tears
Because I don’t have
That Chuckle , that part
Of your life with me
Words are all I have
To imagine what your laughter
Would sound like

AZARIAH NATHAN

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I keep calling your name
When I’m wide awake
When I’m deep in my sleep
Hoping you will answer me
Death has been unkind to me
I have ceased being normal
What is normal
Your name I keep in my heart
Because where else would I take it
Death’s unkindness
Has unlocked emotions
I never thought I would have
I have no name for this kind of pain
Nor do I know how to describe it
There is no explanation possible
For this kind of loss
Loss of my baby boy
My world has shifted
From living
To existence
To getting by

favazariah
Azariah Nathan
My sweet baby boy
Your name belongs to the Angels now
You rest in everlasting love
How do I lift my eyes to Heaven
And not weep without end
Knowing you are there
Today I fall apart
Tomorrow I collapse
Next day I crumble down
It is my cycle now
Grief is exhausting my soul
Only your name brings me comfort
Baby Azariah Nathan
Release Me from this loneliness

LEAVING THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT YOU

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I remember it
Like it was just now
Carrying everything I owned
In my basin
My clothes
My juices
My fruits
They had brought to visit me in hospital
Walking out and looking back
At that maternity ward
I hated that ward
I hated the smell of the hospital
I hated all the cries I heard
From babies that were born
I hated the laughter in that ward
Of those who congratulated them
For having what I did not have
My baby
I hated the doctors in that ward
I knew it was not their fault
Still I hated
I hated it all
Because I was empty
My arms were empty
I was leaving without you my baby
I could hear their whispers as I walked by
They knew what I knew
She lost her baby
Sighs of sympathy
Faces with sorrow for me
I wanted to run
But I was in pain
Pain from labour that yielded nothing
Pain from stitches that hurt
Pain from a wounded heart
I was empty
My arms were empty
Leaving the hospital without you child
Is the worst day of my life
I still feel that emptiness
I still live with that anger
I still hate that ward
It took you away from me
Then I had to leave you there
Before coming back
To take you away
And bury you
I left the hospital empty
Nothing has been able to replace you
Nothing, no one, ever will
Because you were my life, my forever
I can never escape it, this emptiness
As it’s a constant reminder of all that was lost
I will never forget that feeling
Of leaving the hospital without you baby

I WRESTLE WITH MY JEALOUS HEART

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My heart is filled with jealousy
Jealousy of a mother
Who has no child in her arms
I keep asking why
Why me
Why was my baby taken away from me
Why was I not given time with him
Why did he not stay
My heart burns with jealousy
Jealousy of a woman
Who has no baby in her hands
I keep wondering why
Why me
Why was my child removed away from me
Why was I not given moments with him
Why did he leave
My heart burns with jealousy
Jealousy of a parent
Who has no son in her embrace
I keep wondering why
Why me
Why was my child carried away from me
Why was I not given space with him
Why did he disappear

I wrestle with my jealous heart
Wondering when I will heal
When your memory baby
Will not abrasively hurt my heart
When will seeing a mother with child
Not make me so angry at the world
Or angry at her
For having her own child
When will these jealous emotions not be so aggresive
When child, when

ON THE WINGS OF MY BABY

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I watch you sleep
Only you have no life in you
Your tiny eyes shut tightly
Lifeless
The doctor holds you in her hands
It’s a boy
He’s 1.9kgs
I swear I thought I heard you cry
No?
She next to me has given birth to twins
I want to reach out and touch you
My body won’t obey me
I have no more labour pains
I have heart labour pains
I will tears to come out
They will not hear me
Trembling lips I ask why
Doctor says no one knows
It feels like I am watching someone elses life
Floating amidst bodies of humans
Time has stood very still
Yet running faster than I can comprehend
Pain of stitches now become real
My womb is empty
You are no longer there
My heart is still beating for two
My mind thinking for one
My body crying for…
I have no strength to move
Fear
So much fear has gripped my ailing heart
My soul wants to come out of me
My spirit is ready to give up the ghost
What is this pain I feel in my belly
A hole so deep I can feel it drown me
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my life
Where’s my existence
Where’s my sanity
I want to yell
Should i scream my lungs out
I want to sleep
Sleep forever to never wake up
I want to blame
I want to ask why
No one has answers
Questions
Do my questions bring solace
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my soul
Where’s my reason for being
Where’s my good thing
Bring back my angel
Bring back my wound healer
Bring back my laughter
Bring back my fighter
Bring him back to me
Bring my baby back
I want him in my arms
I want him on my bossom
Nursing
My breasts ache for my baby’s lips
Where will I put your milk
I’m so tired
Tired
Tired
Tired
Wrap me in your arms baby
Take me where you have gone
You cannot leave me here
Alone in deep pain
Without your tiny fingers to hold onto
I wrote you a letter
I wanted to read to you
Show you how proud I am of you
Would you like to hear it
Where’s my baby
Where’s my boy
Where’s my love
Where’s my hope in life
Where are you Azariah Nathan
That was your name baby
Perfect for my perfect boy
You loved chapati
I know, because you kicked up a storm in my belly every time I cooked them
I watch
Sand
Earth
Stones
Sticks
Cover you for eternity
My heart sinks into a hole
Dark dark deep hole
I want to be carried on my baby’s wings
Where am I to put this immense love
What am I to do with your side of the bed
Who am I to sing your lullaby to
Where do I go from here
How do I breath without you
I’m jealous you’re happy without me
In your Father’s arms in Heaven
Teach me how to be alone baby
Blow kisses to soothe away my burning heart
I dont know how your new baby smell feels like
So my boy
Fill my troubled dreams with your intoxicating scent
Cover my restless nights with your sweet baby laughter
I have no more words left to say
I sing my pain in the songs we listened together
I am left with memories of your happy kicks inside my belly
A belly I am afraid to touch
Because you are no longer there
My boy
My little man
The ache in my heart won’t go away
Lend me your wings so I fly to you
Whenever I see a full moon
Or watch the sun rise in the morning
Or hear the wind blow
I need to sleep now baby
See you in the troubled waters of my sleep
Where your memory will soothe me and Recognize…me

DEEP WOUNDED PLACES OF MY BROKEN HEART

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I never got to give you your name
I never got to call your name
I never got to hear your name called
Your name is what I am left with
A name that had such great meaning
The name of a warrior
The name of a Prince
The name of my boy
Your name meant so much to me
A name I knew
You would be proud of
A name I knew
You would love
My little batman
That was your play name
Because you were my hero
You saved me
You built me
You loved me
You made me glow
You held me together
You danced for me, in my belly
Made me stronger than I knew I was
Now your name sits
In the deep wounded places of my heart
Places I dare not venture
Or peek into
Lest I never come back from
My heart
Has such deep wounded places
Perforated with memories I never had
Drowned in moments I wish I had
With you
Trying to squint at the sun in the morning
When all I can see are darkened clouds
On a hurricane prone night
Your name lingers on
Hanging between my sanity and brevity
Telling me I need to heal
Help me heal these deep wounded places in my broken heart
Baby your name is all I have left